Happy Thoughts

Now that I've had almost five hours of sleep, I'm in a significantly better mood.

So, this weekend was amazing.

Because what's better than PT? Oh yeah, getting to run all over Camp, all day, anywhere I want (as long as I make it where I'm supposed to be), in my shoes, with my camp friends. Awesome.

And what's better than fireworks? :D There was some concern about the impending storm. Part of spending 18 hours a day outdoors suggests that it might be helpful to have somebody keeping an eye on the weather. Said storm's TOA was jumping all over, and there was some concern about having its arrival cancel the fireworks. Instead, we had some sprinkling, crazy thunder and lightning to the west, and splendid fireworks to the south. Kiki and I were parking cars (I got to do all the running!), and she was excitedly spazzing; "I don't know where to look!"

Muskie is awesome, by the way. I was pondering what to do about my car, having managed a flat tire (might have happened at Camp, might have happened on the way back from Chicago - noticed it at Camp), hoping we had an air compressor around somewhere...and at some point, when I was working on some other project, Muskie just hunted down said air compressor and took care of it for me. He's way busier than I am, and this is not a complicated project - I definitely could have done this, but he just came in and did it for me. So, once again, Muskie is awesome.

And I got to spend almost the whole day with one of my best friends. :) I'm not sure why Ethan and I get into shoving matches and all the other wacky stuff we do - he can completely take me out, athletically - but it was so good to be ourselves together again. We got to talk out a lot of life while cleaning the dining hall, and had a few different projects assigned together. After taking down the last tent, we went running in the rain, caught up with Berry and Freckles, and raced back to the dining hall (yes, he completely smoked me). Really great day together.

And time at home is wonderful. Home is a magical place, where you can nap on the couch, eat chocolate and read comic books, play with the dog, sleep between real sheets, eat food that's actually good for you...and most of all, get to be with the people who love you most in the world.

And tonight, the three of us are cleaning the room. O'Brien is being even more adorable than usual with a British accent, Mock is offering a play-by-play on the war with the toilet, and I am listening to the Firebird Suite. Good times. :)

Sleepy

It's not that there's not enough time in the world, it's that there's too much world in the time.

I am gradually realizing that I cannot possibly do everything I want to do. Really, I can't seem to manage everything I need to do. Somebody told me once that the point of an inbox is that it's never actually empty.

I have watch tonight 'til midnight. I left my watch somewhere back home.

Excellent weekend, though. Ended up being more financially interesting than I'd anticipated, but still so worth it.

I know a good half-dozen ways to prevent falling asleep, to put off sleep when I have to do something Right Now. I don't know how to fall asleep now. In college, I could tell my body, "Kay, we're got an hour and a half before the next class," be out in five, and have a good chance of waking up before my phone's alarm clock went off. Now, I can't figure out how to fall asleep. This particularly stinks when you're this tired.

I wanted to take a nap before my watch tonight. Be all refreshed. You don't fall asleep on watch. You just don't. Unless you're going to fall on your sword while you're at it, and your relief is right next to you.

I'm not sure how much more clearly I can explain this concept to the guys. There's a reason I am not looking for a relationship, or dating, or any of the other fun concepts Facebook advertises. I'm not trying to play hard-to-get; that's the truth. The next solid chunk of time is so adventure-packed that that notion of starting a relationship induces nausea here. No, really. Yes, I absolutely need a friend right now. But it's like there's this rule that you can only know me for about two months, and then decide that you're in love. Stop it! Go away! Shoo!

The present piece of time, what I want most in life is a 24" x 72" stretch of carpet, a blanket, and a pair of jeans or something to make a pillow out of. Just, please, everyone, let me sleep!

Frankly, with my lifestyle, I think I could get mono and never know it. There's so much discipline wired in that I can't sleep through anything that I need to make, even though the notion of getting up makes me want to cry.

I'm going to get off watch tonight, and fall down on my floor, drag my blanket over, and sleep like one dead for five hours. Then get up for class. No, wait. I'll have my whites on from watch. I'll grab my shorts, THEN fall down on the floor.

I'm okay, actually. This is not a crisis, this is not even something I'm emotional about. Everyone who's worrying, stop it, or I'll put you in a box. After my nap. I'm just very tired.

Return to Something Resembling Normal

I spend most of my days in school learning about circuitry components (very, very basic level) and troubleshooting circuit cards. I establish this because a friend of my sister's excitedly asked the other day, "Are you in Iraq?" Er, no. Chicago, actually. "Oh. Well, that's like Iraq!"

...

On the note of circuit cards, we had a fun one today. A diode is...hmm. Kind of like a policeman holding a one-way sign for signal on your current path - you can go through one way, but if you try to reverse it, he'll get mad. If you reverse it with too much traffic, he'll explode. I would totally play that video game. The exception is a zener diode, which is made to take more of that reverse traffic, but it will get very hot. One of my classmates today managed to not only burn herself on a diode, she burned it into her finger. The imprint was perfect. At this point, we regretted that it was a Zener diode, because regular junction diodes have a code printed on them, and her burn was so detailed that we would have been able to see the numbers.

Incidentally, the practice of "branding" is, in fact, forbidden by Navy uniform regulations.

...

Class takes a lung-snack break (those of us who can't have lung-snacks make a run on the vending machines downstairs - our nation's military runs on energy drinks), and one of my already-graduated friends is cleaning the P-way. He picks me out of the crowd, and begins swabbing in larger circles, blocking my path, and claiming in his Gandalf-voice, "You...shall...not...pass!"

I consider this. And take the opportunity to stand on his swab. "You shall not mop!"

"Um." He looks around quick. "I...I have things to do."

"Yep!" I cheerfully respond. "You have to defeat the Balmop! Or the Moprog. Whatever!"

"Um. You should...I'm going to get in trouble."

"Do I look like a Balrog to you?"

My friend is forced to conclude that I am a little short for a Balrog.

"Good. Now that that's established..." I grin and walk off.

It's Okay To Be Sad

Stupid songs to listen to after your friend's death: Vitamin C - Graduation. It's supposed to be sweet and silly to cry over it your senior year - talking about memories and going on in life when one of your circle of friends just bowed out of this life was really not a good choice by the 'random' mix.

One of my buds is really trying to help. I think trying to tell people how to feel must be a guy thing. I have heard six different reasons why I should be happy and what I should be doing with my emotions right nowHe sees it as an affront when people worry, because then they're not counting on God. I think he's also a little baffled whenever I'm not happy, because that's the normal Firefly setting, and anything but normal must need to be tweaked, right?

So, as gently as I could, I explained, "We learned this one from Jesus. Remember? His friend died, and He knew the twist ending, but it was still okay to be sad. Y'gotta remember that. Sometimes, it's okay to be sad. It's not a dangerous condition that you have to fix right away, and you don't have to have all the answers. My friend left unexpectedly. I'm going to miss him, and I wish we could have talked again before he had to go. I'm happy that he's out of [the stress]*, and I'm happy that I'll get to see him again. But right now, it's okay to be sad. You don't have to fix it."

He didn't really get it. Oh well.

*We tend to refer to this life, in contrast to the next, as "Boot Camp."

Unwished-For Encore

One of my civilian friends passed away Monday night.

The last time I'd talked to him was before Boot Camp. I wish there'd been another chance. Know I'll see him again, but still...

Everything's kind of surreal right now.

2nd Leading COD...

We had another suicide Saturday night.

Everything on the base is pretty subdued right now.

Focus

Rice and I took the day to go into Chicago. Nothing special, not even the museums, just getting off base and being ourselves somewhere where we don't have to remember 49 random regulations that apply to each city block.

We took too long in a bookstore, and on the way back, every coffee place was closed. Rice was feeling bad about this, because I have made known my love for good coffee, and it was one of my to-dos that day to get a mocha or something. And I was trying to reassure him, in the event that there weren't ANY open between here and the train station...

"It's okay! Really! Some point in my future, there will once again be good coffee."

I reflect on this, and we both think the same thing at the same time - how uncertain our lives are. "Or Heaven. In which case, I am sure there will be more than adequate compensation for the present lack of coffee in my life."

"Or a husband!" This isn't as random as it sounds, but you would have to have spent the last three hours with us to know that. Most of it was spent reassuring me about the future.

"That's right! And he can bring me coffee! I LIKE your thinking!!"

Turned out later that Rice was thinking of other benefits of marriage that could be Heavenly compensation. I'm just a little single-minded when it comes to coffee*.

I shared the story with one of the married women I look up to, and she laughed and said that it took her a long time to train her husband to bring her coffee. So, evidently, this is something that'll have to be started in the early stages of any relationship. :P



*This could be the only thing I'm this single-minded about. Anything else all weaves together into a kaleidoscope of a day. I start thinking about coffee, and everything comes down to how it relates to coffee and me getting coffee.