In the event that anyone's unclear on this, I am in fact planning to lose my mind.
It's a survival mechanism, here. You become absolutely fantastic about parroting back information. You study leadership, electronics, naval history, military history, how to work out better without hurting yourself, how to eat properly when you've got limited variety in your grub, and on the side, perhaps a bit of fun literature just to work the kinks out of your brain. Sort of like going for an easy run after spending nine hours at the gym.
In addition to this, I try to find time to grab a bit of Scripture, and possibly a well-known Christian author that simply everyone is reading. Basic maintenance, you understand.
My responsibility is to take what I've read, be able to repeat it, and be able to put it into action. Very frequently, very quickly, and invention does me no favors here. We are training OUT of original thought. Original thought is wrong, it's how we make mistakes, we're not doing it right.
Now, this is not to say that servicemembers are stupid. If we were, we wouldn't be here. We wouldn't make it. This environment is demanding to say the least, and I'm still only in my first school. The simple fact is that we're adaptable. We have to be. If the way to survive in this environment is to stuff in scads of information and regurgitate it rapid-fire, we'll learn that.
But prior to my enlisting, I had a theory about human nature, and it is what allows me to do this. I hold that, left to its own devices, as long as one is still alive and everything is relatively intact, the mind and the body can heal. Always. From anything. The extent of damage may take a very long time to heal in some cases, perhaps more time than any person has left in life, but there will still be change. This is my problem with suicide, really - that if a person had just waited, at some point, life would get better. The mind would get better, once removed from the nasty situation.
So I collect beauty. I'm not sure why, exactly, but there's something about beauty that heals the mind. Tonight I spent an hour listening to my sister's friend play acoustic guitar on his youtube videos. Not that his voice is remarkably lovely, but acoustic is quietly so. And it tells me that somewhere out there, there's a young man who has TIME to play his guitar. I haven't had time to play my saxophone in months. Now and again I find an unattended piano and can run over some well-rehearsed melodies, but that's rare. But somewhere is a person who isn't running for food, or shelter, or dashing to compete against other people who are just as deserving as he is for one isolated position that might elevate him to a higher level of responsibility in hopes of catching the eye of the leader who might get him a few points towards his next rank. Someone's free, somewhere back home.
And that's what I think about. I don't want to ditch my responsibilities. I want to serve, to do what I said I would, and do it well. And when it comes to after this, I talk about my plans for college, and work, and what else I hope to accomplish. But when I think on my own time about getting out, I'm reminded of a scene from Spitfire Grill, because all of my fantasies are just having some time alone in the woods, on the hills, sitting in the grass or the dirt, and just breathing. Just eyes closed, hearing the woods around me. Coming back to that same place for days, where I'm not imposing on it, and the world can forget I'm there. And hopefully, with enough time, I can forget I'm there, forget about me and where I hurt, and what I need to be doing, and just listen.
And then in time, a long time later, I might be okay around my sister's friend, and she might ask him to play guitar (because I think I'm going to be a very quiet person for a very long time), and I'll sit, and listen to the notes spill from the frets, and something else will unlock from between my shoulders, and more will seep away.
And after a long time, I might trust someone to go hiking the North Shore with me, when I'm not hiding the tension, but I can let it seep out of me, to be caught up by the wind off the lake and flung up into the clouds.
And someday, someday, I will laugh for sheer exuberance, the way I used to, when I suddenly take off running. And I'll be free.
I'm not PTSD. I haven't seen combat, and it's greater than a 99% probability that I never will. I'm not dealing with anything more than any other person on this base, likely. And I still have yet to hit the job I'm actually training for. But my sister worries sometimes, that her sister is getting lost. And I wanted to let you know that in some ways, I kind of am, but I'm on a long leash back to myself. I knew a little about this before I came in. And I'm going to be okay again.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
People Who Should Not Summarize Shakespeare = Me.
One of my managers has informed me that I'll rot my brain from reading too much. He may be right, because today I read Shakespeare's "Venus and Adonis," and came away unimpressed.
Mostly with Venus.
A: *riding boldly through the fields*
V: "Oh la! A pretty boy!"
A: *takes no notice of goddess*
V: *flies to A's lap, twining her arms around his neck* "Won't you be my pretty boy?"
A: Away from me, woman! I have better things to do!
V: *pout*
V: *flings A from saddle, pins him to the ground* "Won't you be my pretty boy?"
A: "No. You're being a tart."
V: "Kiss me!"
A: "No! I belong to the god of war!"
V: "Kiss me! Kiss me!"
A: "No!"
At this point, the riderless horse observes a pretty mare off in the woods, and chases after her.
A: *leaping quickly to his feet* "------, woman! You made me lose my horse!"
V: "You should follow your horse's example. Kiss me!"
A: "No."
V: "Kiss me!"
A: "No."
V: "Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me!"
A: "Okay."
V: "This was fun! I love you! Can we do this again tomorrow night?"
A: "Can't. Going boar-hunting with the boys."
V: "A boar! Boars are so dangerous. You should hunt rabbits."
A: "I like boars."
V: "But you're so beautiful! And I love you! The boar won't see how beautiful you are."
Adonis extricates himself, goes off to meet his friends. Venus, no joke, spends the entire night weeping (very loudly) and singing to echoes.
Later that same day, she hears the sounds of the hunt.
V: "The beautiful boy is dead! Curse you, Death! You should not take pretty people!"
She hears his voice, calling to his dogs.
V: "Oh! He's not dead! Hail, Death, King of Graves, who is discerning for which people deserve to live!"
She finds him fallen and slain.
V: "What is this? He can't be dead! All the world loves him for his beauty - the birds, the wolves, the tigers - even the boar did not fight him, no, it tried to kiss him, it did! It was not the boar's fault that it had such sharp tusks!"
She throws herself on his body, mixing her tears with his blood. Adonis' body vaporizes into a flower. Venus picks the flower and tucks it in her shirt, flying away.
V: "Since I, the goddess of love, have so suffered in love, all mankind shall suffer whenever they love, and he that loves most will suffer most!"
Okay, I like Shakespeare, to be honest. But Venus' lack of modesty pretty much turned me off to her from about the sixth line, and it didn't get any better. Beautiful descriptions, but I've apparently been spoiled by Jane Austen on the notion that the hero and leading lady are going to have worthwhile personality traits. I realize this makes me rather unenlightened.
In OTHER news, a skeptic friend and I are wrestling with the veracity of the Bible. This is not the first time that this has happened, but it just occurred to me - if I was REALLY living as a Christian, like, you could see it as soon as you looked at me, would I keep finding myself in this situation? There's a repeating trend of one of my dear friends deciding that we need to be together, but 90% if the time it's a guy who believes in God and family values, but doesn't believe in the Bible. Is this what I look like and therefore attract all the time, or is that just 90% of the male population?
Mostly with Venus.
A: *riding boldly through the fields*
V: "Oh la! A pretty boy!"
A: *takes no notice of goddess*
V: *flies to A's lap, twining her arms around his neck* "Won't you be my pretty boy?"
A: Away from me, woman! I have better things to do!
V: *pout*
V: *flings A from saddle, pins him to the ground* "Won't you be my pretty boy?"
A: "No. You're being a tart."
V: "Kiss me!"
A: "No! I belong to the god of war!"
V: "Kiss me! Kiss me!"
A: "No!"
At this point, the riderless horse observes a pretty mare off in the woods, and chases after her.
A: *leaping quickly to his feet* "------, woman! You made me lose my horse!"
V: "You should follow your horse's example. Kiss me!"
A: "No."
V: "Kiss me!"
A: "No."
V: "Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me!"
A: "Okay."
V: "This was fun! I love you! Can we do this again tomorrow night?"
A: "Can't. Going boar-hunting with the boys."
V: "A boar! Boars are so dangerous. You should hunt rabbits."
A: "I like boars."
V: "But you're so beautiful! And I love you! The boar won't see how beautiful you are."
Adonis extricates himself, goes off to meet his friends. Venus, no joke, spends the entire night weeping (very loudly) and singing to echoes.
Later that same day, she hears the sounds of the hunt.
V: "The beautiful boy is dead! Curse you, Death! You should not take pretty people!"
She hears his voice, calling to his dogs.
V: "Oh! He's not dead! Hail, Death, King of Graves, who is discerning for which people deserve to live!"
She finds him fallen and slain.
V: "What is this? He can't be dead! All the world loves him for his beauty - the birds, the wolves, the tigers - even the boar did not fight him, no, it tried to kiss him, it did! It was not the boar's fault that it had such sharp tusks!"
She throws herself on his body, mixing her tears with his blood. Adonis' body vaporizes into a flower. Venus picks the flower and tucks it in her shirt, flying away.
V: "Since I, the goddess of love, have so suffered in love, all mankind shall suffer whenever they love, and he that loves most will suffer most!"
Okay, I like Shakespeare, to be honest. But Venus' lack of modesty pretty much turned me off to her from about the sixth line, and it didn't get any better. Beautiful descriptions, but I've apparently been spoiled by Jane Austen on the notion that the hero and leading lady are going to have worthwhile personality traits. I realize this makes me rather unenlightened.
In OTHER news, a skeptic friend and I are wrestling with the veracity of the Bible. This is not the first time that this has happened, but it just occurred to me - if I was REALLY living as a Christian, like, you could see it as soon as you looked at me, would I keep finding myself in this situation? There's a repeating trend of one of my dear friends deciding that we need to be together, but 90% if the time it's a guy who believes in God and family values, but doesn't believe in the Bible. Is this what I look like and therefore attract all the time, or is that just 90% of the male population?
Monday, March 21, 2011
Bought and Leaving
I can be bought, it seems.
And I got orders.
The first, because it's more of a lighthearted thing. I have mentioned that, being in the military, I am up to my ears in males. And it's not that most of them have anything wrong with them. Some do. But for the most part, they're good. I'm just not at all interested in dating when we all know how transient life on this base is.
I play for keeps, one might say.
But this doesn't really stop the invitations. One of them, though, got smart. Figured out something I'm interested in. Figured out that he has something along that line that he was kind of done with anyways. I asked him how much he wanted for it*. He said if I got dinner on Saturday, we'd call it good.
Hmmm.
Hmmmmmmm.
I really, really want this. I could take it with me to sea, and play with it on my laptop. And this arrangement costs me at least $200 than it would if I bought it myself. And I don't dislike him - I just don't really know him that well.
Hmmmm.
I'm trying to figure out if this is unethical.
*This is very common on this base. Probably most bases. People will buy stuff for life-comfort here that they can't or don't want to bring with them on a ship. So, they end up selling it for half-price or less to someone who's going to be here longer than they are.
In other news, I...got...orders. I can't quite get my brain around this. I'm sloooowly becoming accustomed to the notion that I've advanced in rank. But...orders? Me?
Y'have to understand, on this base, ETs are here forever. Two running jokes for us are, "The Fleet is a myth," and "retiring from Great Lakes!" It isn't actually forever - most people are out of here in less than two years, and our contracts all have a two-year extension built in for just this purpose. But in contrast with every other rate that trains at this base, it definitely feels like we're growing roots here.
And I...I have orders? I'd already accepted that I was going to be here for...wow. A long time. I'd made plans for Halloween in Chicago. I'd asked my younger sister if she'd join me for Sonshine, an epic four-day Christian music festival that takes place in MN every summer. In the back of my mind, I was tooling around the concept of another Christmas standdown from this base.
They're good orders, too. Hard work, but hard play too, by reputation. So, the next five years might age me fast, but I'm going to have a lot of fun getting old.
I'm still a bit stunned, but what I WILL say is - it's not shore duty, and it's not overseas. Both of which would have been fun, I'll grant. But I think this will be fun, too.
I just can't quite believe that I'm actually getting out of here.
And I got orders.
The first, because it's more of a lighthearted thing. I have mentioned that, being in the military, I am up to my ears in males. And it's not that most of them have anything wrong with them. Some do. But for the most part, they're good. I'm just not at all interested in dating when we all know how transient life on this base is.
I play for keeps, one might say.
But this doesn't really stop the invitations. One of them, though, got smart. Figured out something I'm interested in. Figured out that he has something along that line that he was kind of done with anyways. I asked him how much he wanted for it*. He said if I got dinner on Saturday, we'd call it good.
Hmmm.
Hmmmmmmm.
I really, really want this. I could take it with me to sea, and play with it on my laptop. And this arrangement costs me at least $200 than it would if I bought it myself. And I don't dislike him - I just don't really know him that well.
Hmmmm.
I'm trying to figure out if this is unethical.
*This is very common on this base. Probably most bases. People will buy stuff for life-comfort here that they can't or don't want to bring with them on a ship. So, they end up selling it for half-price or less to someone who's going to be here longer than they are.
In other news, I...got...orders. I can't quite get my brain around this. I'm sloooowly becoming accustomed to the notion that I've advanced in rank. But...orders? Me?
Y'have to understand, on this base, ETs are here forever. Two running jokes for us are, "The Fleet is a myth," and "retiring from Great Lakes!" It isn't actually forever - most people are out of here in less than two years, and our contracts all have a two-year extension built in for just this purpose. But in contrast with every other rate that trains at this base, it definitely feels like we're growing roots here.
And I...I have orders? I'd already accepted that I was going to be here for...wow. A long time. I'd made plans for Halloween in Chicago. I'd asked my younger sister if she'd join me for Sonshine, an epic four-day Christian music festival that takes place in MN every summer. In the back of my mind, I was tooling around the concept of another Christmas standdown from this base.
They're good orders, too. Hard work, but hard play too, by reputation. So, the next five years might age me fast, but I'm going to have a lot of fun getting old.
I'm still a bit stunned, but what I WILL say is - it's not shore duty, and it's not overseas. Both of which would have been fun, I'll grant. But I think this will be fun, too.
I just can't quite believe that I'm actually getting out of here.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Odd Exchange
Walking back tonight. I will not be drinking for St. Patrick's for various reasons - one of the ones further down the list is that there is one bar I like on base, and I am predicting that it will be packed. I am coming back from a post-rehearsal Bible study, about twenty-five minutes from my barracks, with the remainder of some snacks.
Nearly to my barracks, another guy is crossing the street in the opposite direction, muttering.
G: "Bad. That's bad."
F: (thinking he's referring to some sort of barracks-junk) "What's bad?"
G: "You. You shouldn't be walking back alone after dark."
F: *little bit of a smile*
G: *continuing on past me, turning* "Haven't you heard about the **** that's been going down lately*?"
*No, in fact, I hadn't. The last time I heard about a girl on base getting attacked walking back after dark was in September - and the young lady in question had been a former boxer.
F: *amused*"Well, if anybody tries anything, I can just sock 'em with my bag of bread."
G: *moving on* "Good. Good. You should do that. Hit 'em hard."
F: *confidently*"Can do."
Usually, when I have conversations like that, they're coming from the bar to the barracks, not the other way around. But, Happy St. Patrick's Day.
(Let it be noted that when I AM concerned for my safety, I grab one of my male buddies to walk me back. I have done this before, but my spidey-sense wasn't tingling that night. At the point of this conversation, I was about a block from my barracks.)
Nearly to my barracks, another guy is crossing the street in the opposite direction, muttering.
G: "Bad. That's bad."
F: (thinking he's referring to some sort of barracks-junk) "What's bad?"
G: "You. You shouldn't be walking back alone after dark."
F: *little bit of a smile*
G: *continuing on past me, turning* "Haven't you heard about the **** that's been going down lately*?"
*No, in fact, I hadn't. The last time I heard about a girl on base getting attacked walking back after dark was in September - and the young lady in question had been a former boxer.
F: *amused*"Well, if anybody tries anything, I can just sock 'em with my bag of bread."
G: *moving on* "Good. Good. You should do that. Hit 'em hard."
F: *confidently*"Can do."
Usually, when I have conversations like that, they're coming from the bar to the barracks, not the other way around. But, Happy St. Patrick's Day.
(Let it be noted that when I AM concerned for my safety, I grab one of my male buddies to walk me back. I have done this before, but my spidey-sense wasn't tingling that night. At the point of this conversation, I was about a block from my barracks.)
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Week of Averages
The issue here is that this week has involved some really great highs and some really bizarre lows, but by Saturday afternoon (about the only time I really have time anymore), it's all mentally averaged out into about the same level of the week before. This means that I feel as though I have nothing useful to share.
The suicide rate on this base is at an all-time high. I have to tell you, I cannot get my brain around that concept. I don't understand it. Not like, "I don't understand how this could happen," because I understand perfectly well how this could happen. Or at least, I can see it in action. It's more an issue of numbers, since this base will have been standing for a century come this summer. It's an empty statistic. What I CAN understand is that the suicide rate on this base is the highest it's been in ten years. Apparently, the same goes for the drug abuse (instant out from the Navy) and alcohol abuse (more negotiable out) rates.
People who come from other bases talk about coming on this base and feeling a darkness here, like an oily black cloud that hangs out around knee-height, or hovers between this place and the sun, so that you're never out from under it, you're always breathing it. So far, the weird part isn't who's affected, it's who's UNaffected. Those of us who still smile and have fun with life really stand out.
I'm wrapping up the last few requirements to get my crow this month. (This is the Navy nickname for the "perching eagle" (not to be confused with the spread eagle, that's a Captain) that Petty Officers wear. I've never seen it called a "perching eagle" anywhere outside of a textbook.) One of these is a three-day class by name of "Prevent." It's mostly about making decent decisions. The Navy's HUGE on fitness, but they're actually big on a "total fitness" thing - your finances, your relationships, your nutrition - we as students tend to focus quite a bit more on the physical fitness aspect, because it's about the only one that we're actually graded on.
Wacky-good thing, I ended up as the class leader for this. This is really a micro-chain-of-command, but it's still something that makes you stand out, even infinitesimally, from all the other digis. I often think we look like small flocks of birds in our NWUs. Over the next three days, learned that, by Navy standards, I am not in NEARLY as good physical shape as I'd thought, but I'm making better lifestyle choices than the vast majority of sailors, so...yay?
Well, sort of yay. I still have to pass my PRTs. These are every six months. The thing is, passing shouldn't be that difficult - it's sort of a minimum standard. But for this one, I was in Radar for all of January, cutting down any time that I might have given to regular PT. I'm beginning to suspect that I have a milder form of 'test-anxiety' (really, doesn't everyone have this?) but I'm never getting it diagnosed, because I apparently produce my best results when I'm freaking out about the prospect of failure.
If you're going to go through most of life as a Type "B" personality, you've got to have SOMETHING kick you in the pants when you need to actually produce results.
But, let there be much rejoicing, I did pass, and almost exactly in the range I usually train for. That was one of the particularly crazy days, when I left my barracks at 0630 and didn't get back 'til just before 2100, running from one responsibility to the next. It feels good, though - a little zany at times, but I LIKE being able to do more.
I've been apprenticing as the yeoman (secretary) for the chapel choir - I'm taking over in March. I also got invited to be on the student leadership for Connexion - it's sort of our base ministry. Still can't get a SNUFI job - my barracks wants more students in the "holds" section before they'll approve anyone taking other jobs during the day. But, hoping.
Everything I said about being here another 6-8 months? Yeah. Forget that. I COULD be here another 6-8 months. On the other hand, just learned at a brief on Friday that one of the guys from my class received his orders THIS week to transfer NEXT week. So, it's fairly up in the air.
I've had hot water for 6 out of 7 showers this week, so I'm pretty happy about that.
I may or may not have had my first heart attack on Thursday. Jury's still out. Symptoms were acting like it, but aside from the PRT-anxiety, there's been nothing that would explain it. 30s-friend thinks I did, Army-friend thinks it's possible, EMT-friend thinks I'm too young. I kind of agree with EMT-friend, but a surprising number of Pre-BUD/S get heart attacks during their training and don't realize it until a real doctor checks them out ten years later. I'm going to sick call on Monday - another piece of my current to-do list was a medical check anyway.
This afternoon, a friend and I are going to go see Tangled. Again. This is the 3rd or 4th time I've seen it since it came out. Rapunzel is my new favorite Disney princess. I'm delighted that the on-base theater keeps bringing this one back.
Plus, there are always kids in the audience when they show movies I really like. I don't get to interact with them, but just seeing them running around is great.
I may have found a church! Mama Mac invited about a half-dozen of the girls from Connexion to a women's retreat, and I liked the church well enough to go to their service later that night. It's about four miles away from base, so walking there'd be no issue in the afternoons, and I can catch a ride back to base after dark. (The church's neighborhood is lovely - my base's, not so much.) There's a bit of paperwork and pleading I'd have to do in order for my leadership to let me off base without a buddy, but if I'm going to church, they might be okay with it. I'm excited!
Honeycrisp apples are amazing.
My friend Stephanie and I watched A Little Princess again last Sunday. I don't think I'd seen it in the last ten years, but I remember watching it when we were little. So, so good. I needed to hear a lot of that, that all girls are princesses, because I'd stopped believing that I really had any value.
Stephanie's become my dearest friend on base, and she transferred yesterday. She's been making interesting plans to get me to Hawaii (where she's based) and to set me up with one of her or her fiance's male Christian friends at their wedding this fall. She's absolutely wonderful, and it's been great spending so much time with her, and I honestly can't picture being at Great Lakes for 8 months with no Stephanie. Just doesn't compute. Stephanie's ALWAYS been here.
(It should be noted, I have had other friends transfer before, and for the most part, you recognize the transient nature of everything here. Stephanie's like my on-base sister, though.)
Found a yoga class that I love. Forgot how much I love flexibility work - Navy teaches that you're supposed to be mixing up flexibility, strength, and cardio, and I've really just been loading up cardio from graduation to my PFA. (I am not a SEAL. They do not care how many chin-ups I can do. They just want to make sure I can run.) Schedule only permits being there one day a week, but one is infinitely better than none. :)
There've been other minor ups and downs, but, as stated, by the time Saturday afternoon comes around, everything has sort of settled and evened out. I'm content, happy, frustrated, and okay with that.
The suicide rate on this base is at an all-time high. I have to tell you, I cannot get my brain around that concept. I don't understand it. Not like, "I don't understand how this could happen," because I understand perfectly well how this could happen. Or at least, I can see it in action. It's more an issue of numbers, since this base will have been standing for a century come this summer. It's an empty statistic. What I CAN understand is that the suicide rate on this base is the highest it's been in ten years. Apparently, the same goes for the drug abuse (instant out from the Navy) and alcohol abuse (more negotiable out) rates.
People who come from other bases talk about coming on this base and feeling a darkness here, like an oily black cloud that hangs out around knee-height, or hovers between this place and the sun, so that you're never out from under it, you're always breathing it. So far, the weird part isn't who's affected, it's who's UNaffected. Those of us who still smile and have fun with life really stand out.
I'm wrapping up the last few requirements to get my crow this month. (This is the Navy nickname for the "perching eagle" (not to be confused with the spread eagle, that's a Captain) that Petty Officers wear. I've never seen it called a "perching eagle" anywhere outside of a textbook.) One of these is a three-day class by name of "Prevent." It's mostly about making decent decisions. The Navy's HUGE on fitness, but they're actually big on a "total fitness" thing - your finances, your relationships, your nutrition - we as students tend to focus quite a bit more on the physical fitness aspect, because it's about the only one that we're actually graded on.
Wacky-good thing, I ended up as the class leader for this. This is really a micro-chain-of-command, but it's still something that makes you stand out, even infinitesimally, from all the other digis. I often think we look like small flocks of birds in our NWUs. Over the next three days, learned that, by Navy standards, I am not in NEARLY as good physical shape as I'd thought, but I'm making better lifestyle choices than the vast majority of sailors, so...yay?
Well, sort of yay. I still have to pass my PRTs. These are every six months. The thing is, passing shouldn't be that difficult - it's sort of a minimum standard. But for this one, I was in Radar for all of January, cutting down any time that I might have given to regular PT. I'm beginning to suspect that I have a milder form of 'test-anxiety' (really, doesn't everyone have this?) but I'm never getting it diagnosed, because I apparently produce my best results when I'm freaking out about the prospect of failure.
If you're going to go through most of life as a Type "B" personality, you've got to have SOMETHING kick you in the pants when you need to actually produce results.
But, let there be much rejoicing, I did pass, and almost exactly in the range I usually train for. That was one of the particularly crazy days, when I left my barracks at 0630 and didn't get back 'til just before 2100, running from one responsibility to the next. It feels good, though - a little zany at times, but I LIKE being able to do more.
I've been apprenticing as the yeoman (secretary) for the chapel choir - I'm taking over in March. I also got invited to be on the student leadership for Connexion - it's sort of our base ministry. Still can't get a SNUFI job - my barracks wants more students in the "holds" section before they'll approve anyone taking other jobs during the day. But, hoping.
Everything I said about being here another 6-8 months? Yeah. Forget that. I COULD be here another 6-8 months. On the other hand, just learned at a brief on Friday that one of the guys from my class received his orders THIS week to transfer NEXT week. So, it's fairly up in the air.
I've had hot water for 6 out of 7 showers this week, so I'm pretty happy about that.
I may or may not have had my first heart attack on Thursday. Jury's still out. Symptoms were acting like it, but aside from the PRT-anxiety, there's been nothing that would explain it. 30s-friend thinks I did, Army-friend thinks it's possible, EMT-friend thinks I'm too young. I kind of agree with EMT-friend, but a surprising number of Pre-BUD/S get heart attacks during their training and don't realize it until a real doctor checks them out ten years later. I'm going to sick call on Monday - another piece of my current to-do list was a medical check anyway.
This afternoon, a friend and I are going to go see Tangled. Again. This is the 3rd or 4th time I've seen it since it came out. Rapunzel is my new favorite Disney princess. I'm delighted that the on-base theater keeps bringing this one back.
Plus, there are always kids in the audience when they show movies I really like. I don't get to interact with them, but just seeing them running around is great.
I may have found a church! Mama Mac invited about a half-dozen of the girls from Connexion to a women's retreat, and I liked the church well enough to go to their service later that night. It's about four miles away from base, so walking there'd be no issue in the afternoons, and I can catch a ride back to base after dark. (The church's neighborhood is lovely - my base's, not so much.) There's a bit of paperwork and pleading I'd have to do in order for my leadership to let me off base without a buddy, but if I'm going to church, they might be okay with it. I'm excited!
Honeycrisp apples are amazing.
My friend Stephanie and I watched A Little Princess again last Sunday. I don't think I'd seen it in the last ten years, but I remember watching it when we were little. So, so good. I needed to hear a lot of that, that all girls are princesses, because I'd stopped believing that I really had any value.
Stephanie's become my dearest friend on base, and she transferred yesterday. She's been making interesting plans to get me to Hawaii (where she's based) and to set me up with one of her or her fiance's male Christian friends at their wedding this fall. She's absolutely wonderful, and it's been great spending so much time with her, and I honestly can't picture being at Great Lakes for 8 months with no Stephanie. Just doesn't compute. Stephanie's ALWAYS been here.
(It should be noted, I have had other friends transfer before, and for the most part, you recognize the transient nature of everything here. Stephanie's like my on-base sister, though.)
Found a yoga class that I love. Forgot how much I love flexibility work - Navy teaches that you're supposed to be mixing up flexibility, strength, and cardio, and I've really just been loading up cardio from graduation to my PFA. (I am not a SEAL. They do not care how many chin-ups I can do. They just want to make sure I can run.) Schedule only permits being there one day a week, but one is infinitely better than none. :)
There've been other minor ups and downs, but, as stated, by the time Saturday afternoon comes around, everything has sort of settled and evened out. I'm content, happy, frustrated, and okay with that.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Brainwashing
Okay, one of my friends just ran smack into this, so I should probably explain that it's there.
This does NOT mean that I'm depressed. Actually, I'm fairly happy and well-balanced. That's what makes this kind of scary.
We're inundated with a couple different messages. One is that we're not worth much, we're all grunts, all the same, any one of us can fill in for another at any given time. Another is that anyone on the outside has forgotten us, those relationships aren't real, they have their own lives to move on with and don't remember you. This second one is to make us more cohesive - if the outside relationships don't matter, the ones on the inside matter even more.
There are obvious counters to these. The most obvious one in my life is my family - my parents and sisters - followed by three friends and a sizable chunk of my Camp family. My parents and sisters have been AMAZING about supporting me - I'm able to talk with them every week, they think of me, pray for me (this is big), send me mail (also big), and there's really no way that I could think that they've forgotten me.
The value thing holds out against that. I retain the idea that these people who haven't forgotten me still love me not for anything I have to offer, but in spite of the fact that I DON'T really have anything, and they still take pleasure in me. It's a cool way to love, when that's what's really going on. Pretty much based on the way God loves us.
I was watching Charade on Sunday (why? Because I love Audrey Hepburn. I always end up identifying with her characters. The guys were having a pre-game LAN party, the girls were upstairs watching a movie), and ended up texting a friend over the question of whether a woman's trust was worth $250,000. He answered that you couldn't put price on it. Later that week, I told him that I felt like I was worth about $250, maybe $280 on a good day. Not "woe-is-me," just the fact. The grand total of everything I thought I brought to the table. And the scary bit was that I was content with that. I wasn't sad, or down on myself. I even remember justifying, "Hey, $250 is a lot in some countries! Do you know how many people out there live on less than $2 a day?!"
We're not depressed (well, for the most part. Some people really are, but that's because we're in Great Lakes, which depresses everybody). We believe these teachings as the parameters of our world, and we approach that world with the same attitude that we came to the last one. Mine is one of quirky pluck, random cheer. This is the way the world is, okay, I'm going to be happy in it.
And generally that works FINE. Until a friend randomly messages me with something cool that reminded him of me, and I realize that he HASN'T forgotten me, DOES still love me and see me as having value, and suddenly everything I know is called into question.
So, if you and I someday reunite, and I seem a little weird, it's probably not that I'm not happy to see you; I just had no idea that you'd be happy to see ME.
This does NOT mean that I'm depressed. Actually, I'm fairly happy and well-balanced. That's what makes this kind of scary.
We're inundated with a couple different messages. One is that we're not worth much, we're all grunts, all the same, any one of us can fill in for another at any given time. Another is that anyone on the outside has forgotten us, those relationships aren't real, they have their own lives to move on with and don't remember you. This second one is to make us more cohesive - if the outside relationships don't matter, the ones on the inside matter even more.
There are obvious counters to these. The most obvious one in my life is my family - my parents and sisters - followed by three friends and a sizable chunk of my Camp family. My parents and sisters have been AMAZING about supporting me - I'm able to talk with them every week, they think of me, pray for me (this is big), send me mail (also big), and there's really no way that I could think that they've forgotten me.
The value thing holds out against that. I retain the idea that these people who haven't forgotten me still love me not for anything I have to offer, but in spite of the fact that I DON'T really have anything, and they still take pleasure in me. It's a cool way to love, when that's what's really going on. Pretty much based on the way God loves us.
I was watching Charade on Sunday (why? Because I love Audrey Hepburn. I always end up identifying with her characters. The guys were having a pre-game LAN party, the girls were upstairs watching a movie), and ended up texting a friend over the question of whether a woman's trust was worth $250,000. He answered that you couldn't put price on it. Later that week, I told him that I felt like I was worth about $250, maybe $280 on a good day. Not "woe-is-me," just the fact. The grand total of everything I thought I brought to the table. And the scary bit was that I was content with that. I wasn't sad, or down on myself. I even remember justifying, "Hey, $250 is a lot in some countries! Do you know how many people out there live on less than $2 a day?!"
We're not depressed (well, for the most part. Some people really are, but that's because we're in Great Lakes, which depresses everybody). We believe these teachings as the parameters of our world, and we approach that world with the same attitude that we came to the last one. Mine is one of quirky pluck, random cheer. This is the way the world is, okay, I'm going to be happy in it.
And generally that works FINE. Until a friend randomly messages me with something cool that reminded him of me, and I realize that he HASN'T forgotten me, DOES still love me and see me as having value, and suddenly everything I know is called into question.
So, if you and I someday reunite, and I seem a little weird, it's probably not that I'm not happy to see you; I just had no idea that you'd be happy to see ME.
Back up to speed.
Oh yeah! This little darlin' is still kicking around!
All right, so my internet use has been rather sporadic due to the last third of my program being Radar. So, what have I been up to in the last month?
Accelerated electronics program, mostly. When I have time, I PT, but that's not nearly as often as I'd like. Hopefully with the coming graduation, more time will free up.
Personally, I doubt it. The way I live, free time never stays free - it's a vacuum. "Hey! There's space here! I can put something in there!" It's a good life, though. :)
Also, I jumped in a lake! There are photos on Facebook - a hole was cut next to the boat docks. Lake Michigan is frozen right up to shore. I've a friend from California - he's been stationed in Iraq, Japan, and Hawaii, and has no intentions of passing this way again - who agreed to take the plunge with me. I'm more impressed with him, really - for me, this wasn't that cold, just a lot of fun.
I saw Tangled with a few friends - yes, ladies, there are in fact straight guys out there who like Disney movies. Few of them will admit it in the first three months after you meet. It was a good time. This might be my new favorite Disney movie.
At some point in the last four weeks, I actually had time to SIT DOWN and watch a movie (this was probably during a massive two-day blizzard that shut down the whole base). In light of two of my friends receiving orders to Hawaii, Lilo and Stitch seemed appropriate. Crazy thing - if you only have time to watch one movie in a month, that movie will be playing in your head for the REST of that month. And people wonder why I don't watch the stupid ones.
Aside from those, my immediate friends (especially a soldier who gets out in April) can tell you that I've been riding a roller coaster of stress going through various radars. Originally, all of us (myself included) were trying to figure out the best way to keep me calm and happy - and then I realized that all of my best test scores were the tests when I was freaking out and terrified. Apparently I do well under pressure, in a sort of sideways fashion.
The fun thing, looking back, is the final lab. Up to this point, we worked with a particular radar receiver, or a certain display, or a radar switchboard, with some variation. The final lab combines everything into one system, and once again sends the student out to figure out how it's broken and what to replace. But, each of these individual components that had us brain-wracking in the days before, we simply blink that this one is part of the system. The display was the most interesting - the original display module was supposed to be the big mountain for all of us to hurdle, and I think we did lose some people over it. In the systems lab, thanks to everything we went through on that display, we now know exactly what to expect from it, and there's no problem that it's included.
There are other problems with that lab, of course, but I've taken that, "Do not pray for easy lives," business to heart. :) Also, interesting note, apparently I talk to my electronics without realizing it. One of my lab buddies overheard me (I was puzzled with my switchboard) quietly mutter, "Come on, baby, don't do this now." We're entertained.
But, barring unforeseen cataclysm, or a petty officer having a really bad day, I graduate tomorrow. I'll describe the next adventures as they come. :)
All right, so my internet use has been rather sporadic due to the last third of my program being Radar. So, what have I been up to in the last month?
Accelerated electronics program, mostly. When I have time, I PT, but that's not nearly as often as I'd like. Hopefully with the coming graduation, more time will free up.
Personally, I doubt it. The way I live, free time never stays free - it's a vacuum. "Hey! There's space here! I can put something in there!" It's a good life, though. :)
Also, I jumped in a lake! There are photos on Facebook - a hole was cut next to the boat docks. Lake Michigan is frozen right up to shore. I've a friend from California - he's been stationed in Iraq, Japan, and Hawaii, and has no intentions of passing this way again - who agreed to take the plunge with me. I'm more impressed with him, really - for me, this wasn't that cold, just a lot of fun.
I saw Tangled with a few friends - yes, ladies, there are in fact straight guys out there who like Disney movies. Few of them will admit it in the first three months after you meet. It was a good time. This might be my new favorite Disney movie.
At some point in the last four weeks, I actually had time to SIT DOWN and watch a movie (this was probably during a massive two-day blizzard that shut down the whole base). In light of two of my friends receiving orders to Hawaii, Lilo and Stitch seemed appropriate. Crazy thing - if you only have time to watch one movie in a month, that movie will be playing in your head for the REST of that month. And people wonder why I don't watch the stupid ones.
Aside from those, my immediate friends (especially a soldier who gets out in April) can tell you that I've been riding a roller coaster of stress going through various radars. Originally, all of us (myself included) were trying to figure out the best way to keep me calm and happy - and then I realized that all of my best test scores were the tests when I was freaking out and terrified. Apparently I do well under pressure, in a sort of sideways fashion.
The fun thing, looking back, is the final lab. Up to this point, we worked with a particular radar receiver, or a certain display, or a radar switchboard, with some variation. The final lab combines everything into one system, and once again sends the student out to figure out how it's broken and what to replace. But, each of these individual components that had us brain-wracking in the days before, we simply blink that this one is part of the system. The display was the most interesting - the original display module was supposed to be the big mountain for all of us to hurdle, and I think we did lose some people over it. In the systems lab, thanks to everything we went through on that display, we now know exactly what to expect from it, and there's no problem that it's included.
There are other problems with that lab, of course, but I've taken that, "Do not pray for easy lives," business to heart. :) Also, interesting note, apparently I talk to my electronics without realizing it. One of my lab buddies overheard me (I was puzzled with my switchboard) quietly mutter, "Come on, baby, don't do this now." We're entertained.
But, barring unforeseen cataclysm, or a petty officer having a really bad day, I graduate tomorrow. I'll describe the next adventures as they come. :)
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