I would not post something like this to something as public as my facebook.
But there's actually a very short list of people who read this. I have a buddy who handles information for the green branch of the military, and he reports that, "Almost all classified material is REALLY BORING." Seriously. You just don't hear that in the news or movies, because hey, it costs money to make news and movies, and nobody's going to buy something because it's boring.
Point is,
...second point is that a fifteen-year-old that I care about ended up in the hospital last weekend, because she felt like no one heard her. She's moving, her family's relocating, there's a mess with a guy...somewhere in the middle of all that she felt lost and that no one would listen.
And I'm not in any danger of similar circumstances, but I know what she's talking about. At some point, I kind of stopped telling anyone what was going on with me, what I was thinking, because it seemed like a lot of the time, I just earned being told that I was wrong. No one knew me any better, no positive difference was made, and it got me yelled at. So, I started journaling and writing to get a lot of my thoughts out, which is probably a healthier outlet for a teenager than a lot of others. And then years later, I moved out-of-state, and had a solid circle of friends that I DID share my thoughts with, and they're wonderful and encouraging and love me to let me know when I'm about to ride my life in a dangerous direction, and because they're wonderful and encouraging, I listen.
But I'm looking at a couple of the relationships that I shut down on years ago, and thinking, they still care about me. And I get mad sometimes because they try to help and they don't know me or know what I'm thinking. Maybe it'd help everything if they did.
So, I figured, I should bring up a couple more pieces of what isn't immediately obvious by looking at me, just maybe take awhile to go through here.
Three for today, just because I feel like I'm "catching up," and
"There are all kinds of flowers, and they are all beautiful."
This is a quote from a story we heard a lot as kids - it's a granddad talking to his granddaughter, because she's heartbroken over her appearance and wanting to look like her cousin, one of his other granddaughters. I took it rather to heart, because it took a long time before I could accept that my form wasn't a failed version of beauty, it was its own kind. I've expressed to a friend, "A tiger lily that tried to look like an iris wouldn't ever look like an iris - it would just look like a really sick tiger lily."
I'm also convinced, more and more by the places I work and the people I work with, that cactus flowers and sunflowers and all the others are NEEDED to complete the picture. That a lot of "deficiencies" aren't at all - they're just a different take on the world, and somehow the team needs that person. The guy with ADD, or the kid who's always writing, or even a tech who likes people more than she likes gear.
Or, maybe someone who can't remember things. That's the second point that isn't immediately apparent when someone meets me, though Viking's known me long enough to figure it out.
I didn't actually realize there was anything odd here until I was about 10 or 12, and talking with another girl who remembers EVERYTHING. I...don't. I don't know how to describe what I remember. I remember images, and emotions - how a person makes or made me FEEL. I'll forget what they said and did. There's a guy I dated for three years - I don't remember a single conversation we had, but I remember sharing time with his family and being happy, and being lonely when he decided that one of his projects (which were good projects) was more important than spending time with me. I don't remember how often that happened - if it was just once a year that I wouldn't see him for a month, or if that came up more frequently. I remember visuals better if they were attached to a strong emotion - I can still see the images from when I rolled my car, or if they're repeated, like the emotional highs from waterskiing on the lake. I don't often remember WHEN things happened - my sense of time is very fluid. I usually put it together by, "Okay, this was related to a concert performance, and I wore THAT, which meant it had to be Fall, not winter, so that concert was at the end of THIS month..." and from there I can usually form an idea of about when things happen.
I don't consider this a deficiency at all - just a different way of seeing the world. I'm not sad about it - actually, most of the time I'm pretty happy. But it took awhile before I learned that not everyone's memories work that way, so they'd get very frustrated that I could remember how they made me feel, but not what they said.
I don't know whether it was truly that I annoyed people, or I felt like people were annoyed by me, but a third point - for a long time, probably starting shortly after high school, I held three ideas that meshed together.
1. "Most people are annoyed by me/don't want me around."
2. "God thinks I'm awesome."
3. "I think I'm pretty nifty."
Conclusion, "I'm-a go hang out with God."
So, I spent a lot of time "by myself" in the woods, talking things out with God. I don't know what you think of when you say, "Christian." I know I didn't have all the right ideas, but y'know, from hanging out with God, I learned that He cared a lot more that I was talking my stuff out with Him and we were hanging out. It would have been less valuable to Him if my theology was sound and we had a negligible relationship.
But, yeah, that was so solid that it still shows up now and again. I'm always prepared for the idea that people aren't going to like me, or want me around, and I'm usually very comfortable being alone. And I don't think of this as a sad thing - just part of the way the world IS.
Note on that - it is far more lonely to feel unwanted with people than to be happy by oneself. At least, in my experience.
More tomorrow.
But there's actually a very short list of people who read this. I have a buddy who handles information for the green branch of the military, and he reports that, "Almost all classified material is REALLY BORING." Seriously. You just don't hear that in the news or movies, because hey, it costs money to make news and movies, and nobody's going to buy something because it's boring.
Point is,
...second point is that a fifteen-year-old that I care about ended up in the hospital last weekend, because she felt like no one heard her. She's moving, her family's relocating, there's a mess with a guy...somewhere in the middle of all that she felt lost and that no one would listen.
And I'm not in any danger of similar circumstances, but I know what she's talking about. At some point, I kind of stopped telling anyone what was going on with me, what I was thinking, because it seemed like a lot of the time, I just earned being told that I was wrong. No one knew me any better, no positive difference was made, and it got me yelled at. So, I started journaling and writing to get a lot of my thoughts out, which is probably a healthier outlet for a teenager than a lot of others. And then years later, I moved out-of-state, and had a solid circle of friends that I DID share my thoughts with, and they're wonderful and encouraging and love me to let me know when I'm about to ride my life in a dangerous direction, and because they're wonderful and encouraging, I listen.
But I'm looking at a couple of the relationships that I shut down on years ago, and thinking, they still care about me. And I get mad sometimes because they try to help and they don't know me or know what I'm thinking. Maybe it'd help everything if they did.
So, I figured, I should bring up a couple more pieces of what isn't immediately obvious by looking at me, just maybe take awhile to go through here.
Three for today, just because I feel like I'm "catching up," and
"There are all kinds of flowers, and they are all beautiful."
This is a quote from a story we heard a lot as kids - it's a granddad talking to his granddaughter, because she's heartbroken over her appearance and wanting to look like her cousin, one of his other granddaughters. I took it rather to heart, because it took a long time before I could accept that my form wasn't a failed version of beauty, it was its own kind. I've expressed to a friend, "A tiger lily that tried to look like an iris wouldn't ever look like an iris - it would just look like a really sick tiger lily."
I'm also convinced, more and more by the places I work and the people I work with, that cactus flowers and sunflowers and all the others are NEEDED to complete the picture. That a lot of "deficiencies" aren't at all - they're just a different take on the world, and somehow the team needs that person. The guy with ADD, or the kid who's always writing, or even a tech who likes people more than she likes gear.
Or, maybe someone who can't remember things. That's the second point that isn't immediately apparent when someone meets me, though Viking's known me long enough to figure it out.
I didn't actually realize there was anything odd here until I was about 10 or 12, and talking with another girl who remembers EVERYTHING. I...don't. I don't know how to describe what I remember. I remember images, and emotions - how a person makes or made me FEEL. I'll forget what they said and did. There's a guy I dated for three years - I don't remember a single conversation we had, but I remember sharing time with his family and being happy, and being lonely when he decided that one of his projects (which were good projects) was more important than spending time with me. I don't remember how often that happened - if it was just once a year that I wouldn't see him for a month, or if that came up more frequently. I remember visuals better if they were attached to a strong emotion - I can still see the images from when I rolled my car, or if they're repeated, like the emotional highs from waterskiing on the lake. I don't often remember WHEN things happened - my sense of time is very fluid. I usually put it together by, "Okay, this was related to a concert performance, and I wore THAT, which meant it had to be Fall, not winter, so that concert was at the end of THIS month..." and from there I can usually form an idea of about when things happen.
I don't consider this a deficiency at all - just a different way of seeing the world. I'm not sad about it - actually, most of the time I'm pretty happy. But it took awhile before I learned that not everyone's memories work that way, so they'd get very frustrated that I could remember how they made me feel, but not what they said.
I don't know whether it was truly that I annoyed people, or I felt like people were annoyed by me, but a third point - for a long time, probably starting shortly after high school, I held three ideas that meshed together.
1. "Most people are annoyed by me/don't want me around."
2. "God thinks I'm awesome."
3. "I think I'm pretty nifty."
Conclusion, "I'm-a go hang out with God."
So, I spent a lot of time "by myself" in the woods, talking things out with God. I don't know what you think of when you say, "Christian." I know I didn't have all the right ideas, but y'know, from hanging out with God, I learned that He cared a lot more that I was talking my stuff out with Him and we were hanging out. It would have been less valuable to Him if my theology was sound and we had a negligible relationship.
But, yeah, that was so solid that it still shows up now and again. I'm always prepared for the idea that people aren't going to like me, or want me around, and I'm usually very comfortable being alone. And I don't think of this as a sad thing - just part of the way the world IS.
Note on that - it is far more lonely to feel unwanted with people than to be happy by oneself. At least, in my experience.
More tomorrow.
