Why moving?
Not because it's easier. It's not.
It's going to mean sharing a bathroom with two other women, where before I shared with one (and barely saw her anyway.)
It's going to mean meshing together the lifestyles of four women in one house, where before I pretty much did whatever I wanted (within what was required of me by work).
It's going to mean biking ten miles to work every day, which also means arriving early enough to utilize the gym showers, changing into work clothes, and a half-hour walk from the gym to work. Which, if I'm serious about getting the sleep my body needs in order to function at work, is going to mean changing my evening lifestyle...which will mean changing up my entire social life.
It's going to mean going from my bed to sleeping on the floor (sometimes the couch). It's going to mean having to maintain more responsibility about my finances, food, and night-before preparation.
It's going to mean being stretched. And I need that, badly.
I'm looking at moving in with Jewel and Dawn. (And Viking, too, for her last month in the States). Because the alternative is in the mirror. I'm seeing myself slowly but solidly becoming a person I really don't want to be.
In my current situation, I barely have to accommodate anyone else's needs, or even desires. Not really. Socially, the four of us barely interact with each other. I clean up the bathroom or the kitchen when *I* think it needs it. I have my little stash of me-food in the refrigerator, I can watch movies or read books whenever I want, I have my comfy bed and personal space marked off with invisible lines - honestly, the greatest inconvenience my roommates pose in my life is that once in awhile I have to wait an hour for the dryer.
And I'm becoming selfish. Self-absorbed. Growing up in a smallish family, I still had to do things like stop playing the piano when people needed to sleep, take out the dog because someone had work, pause and LISTEN in conversation. I spend my leisure time mostly by myself - means that the person I'm talking to most is myself, and I'm losing the skill of listening. Losing the inherent understanding that we look out for each other, take care of each other. Losing the reasons - I understand taking care of myself, but forget WHY it's important to do that.
I'm slowly evolving into a pig. And I really, really don't want to be that. When I say I don't like what I see in the mirror, I'm not talking about my skin or my waistline. It's the look in my eyes. There's something missing there.
Even my manager noticed - we had a one-on-one meeting yesterday, and at one point he asked me if I was doing okay, that I'd been changing over the last two months. We've been working together for the last two years.
Jewel and Dawn are the two women in my life that I would most want to be like. I know we become like the people we spend the most time with - I've experienced this over and over in my own life. If I move in with someone, I'm going to start picking up their attributes. Living with myself, I just reinforce the ones going on, hardening that pig-heart that's developing. I'm aware that it's important to choose one's housemates carefully, and weighed a few options - living on my own couldn't keep going like this, but living with someone less responsible and joyful than these two wouldn't be much better. Probably wouldn't keep hardening in the same way, but becoming more negative isn't a direction I want to go, either.
In the Indian In The Cupboard, Little Bear is at one point going back to his people, and realizing that his young friend Omri knows what's going to happen for them, but can't tell him about it. So he says, kind of asking, "Things change for us?"
Omri nods, glad to be able to confirm at least this much. "They will."
Not because it's easier. It's not.
It's going to mean sharing a bathroom with two other women, where before I shared with one (and barely saw her anyway.)
It's going to mean meshing together the lifestyles of four women in one house, where before I pretty much did whatever I wanted (within what was required of me by work).
It's going to mean biking ten miles to work every day, which also means arriving early enough to utilize the gym showers, changing into work clothes, and a half-hour walk from the gym to work. Which, if I'm serious about getting the sleep my body needs in order to function at work, is going to mean changing my evening lifestyle...which will mean changing up my entire social life.
It's going to mean going from my bed to sleeping on the floor (sometimes the couch). It's going to mean having to maintain more responsibility about my finances, food, and night-before preparation.
It's going to mean being stretched. And I need that, badly.
I'm looking at moving in with Jewel and Dawn. (And Viking, too, for her last month in the States). Because the alternative is in the mirror. I'm seeing myself slowly but solidly becoming a person I really don't want to be.
In my current situation, I barely have to accommodate anyone else's needs, or even desires. Not really. Socially, the four of us barely interact with each other. I clean up the bathroom or the kitchen when *I* think it needs it. I have my little stash of me-food in the refrigerator, I can watch movies or read books whenever I want, I have my comfy bed and personal space marked off with invisible lines - honestly, the greatest inconvenience my roommates pose in my life is that once in awhile I have to wait an hour for the dryer.
And I'm becoming selfish. Self-absorbed. Growing up in a smallish family, I still had to do things like stop playing the piano when people needed to sleep, take out the dog because someone had work, pause and LISTEN in conversation. I spend my leisure time mostly by myself - means that the person I'm talking to most is myself, and I'm losing the skill of listening. Losing the inherent understanding that we look out for each other, take care of each other. Losing the reasons - I understand taking care of myself, but forget WHY it's important to do that.
I'm slowly evolving into a pig. And I really, really don't want to be that. When I say I don't like what I see in the mirror, I'm not talking about my skin or my waistline. It's the look in my eyes. There's something missing there.
Even my manager noticed - we had a one-on-one meeting yesterday, and at one point he asked me if I was doing okay, that I'd been changing over the last two months. We've been working together for the last two years.
Jewel and Dawn are the two women in my life that I would most want to be like. I know we become like the people we spend the most time with - I've experienced this over and over in my own life. If I move in with someone, I'm going to start picking up their attributes. Living with myself, I just reinforce the ones going on, hardening that pig-heart that's developing. I'm aware that it's important to choose one's housemates carefully, and weighed a few options - living on my own couldn't keep going like this, but living with someone less responsible and joyful than these two wouldn't be much better. Probably wouldn't keep hardening in the same way, but becoming more negative isn't a direction I want to go, either.
In the Indian In The Cupboard, Little Bear is at one point going back to his people, and realizing that his young friend Omri knows what's going to happen for them, but can't tell him about it. So he says, kind of asking, "Things change for us?"
Omri nods, glad to be able to confirm at least this much. "They will."
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