Halfway There!

So, just after the halfway point on this deployment, we visit Dubai!

As this is what's referred to as a "working port", rather than a "liberty port," for my division, I cannot say that I've seen very much of the country. But, I've had land under my feet, worn civilian clothing, eaten WAY too much food, and been able to call home.

The last six weeks...well, I can say I've learned a lot. It seems, however, that the more I learn, the less I talk. Part of this is also because I'm a little concerned (somewhere very deep down) about my social skills. I think I've come to the point where I can interact fairly well with the people in my shop, just fine with the people throughout the ship, and decently with anyone else who's been in the military...but I apparently have some sort of sector-specific Asperger's when it comes to civilians.

I don't get the nuances. I don't know what's okay. I tend to be very serious when I do talk, except that it's laced with irony. Very deadly things are funny, because that's just how we deal with them. It's not that we're making light of them, we're acknowledging that they're serious by being funny about them.

I think this might actually be akin to what I think of as Irish humor.

So, the fact that you have cancer? Humor fodder. The fact that you are dying of cancer? Well, we'll first cautiously evaluate how you feel about that from a line or two after you drop that announcement, and then it's great fodder for humor (as long as you're cool with it). We are also the same crew who will all take you to the bar to get socially wasted on that news, if you want to take your mind off it and have a night out with friends who are there for you. Or, we'll stand staunchly by you and knock out anybody who takes it flippantly if you're reeling from it.

Divorce? Yep. Radiation leaks? Definitely. Finding out that thanks to your years of service you can't have kids? Hilarious. Because you're already laughing on it. Because we've got this idea of, "Well, I can't change it, I might as well find some humor in it, and, *expletive*, that actually is pretty funny!"

I have some distant memory that such things were NOT as funny among me and my friends before the Navy. In fact, I think I was one of the people who was always ready to get offended. So, I just sit, and listen. Plus, I'm probably taking in memories to revisit later in my bunk like chocolate-chip cookies*, and don't want to interrupt. My two cents are not needed.

*not that I eat cookies in my rack. That would be messy and gross. But I can revisit the memory of cookies, and my imagination is now very good at generating such things.

So, when I DO talk, it's sometimes very serious. And this, I think, might also be awkward. It's a sort of, "If I don't get the chance to talk with you for another year, or ever, I want to have at least said this to you."

These might all be the result of 1st year on a ship. Maybe in 2 years, I won't notice any of this. :)

This is the first time I've had relatively open internet in months. On the ship, videos take too much bandwidth to allow, and blogs are considered unnecessary for work, so I'm catching up with these. My youngest sister is kind enough to email me her blog posts, so first priority is in fact a friend of my middle sister's, who plays guitar and writes lyrics that I hang on. Also, Ursula Vernon, whose art, comics, and words I've been following for about seven years. I will likely never meet her, but I love reading her and her art is a lovely whimsy (or sometimes a savagely beautiful whimsy). Forgotten pleasures.

Subway. In the words of Gollum, "We forgot the taste of bread." Oh, but I love fresh-baked bread. I might just go in there and order a foot-long honey-oat loaf for supper tonight. I haven't decided.

Caribou! Okay, to back up a hair, the USO in Dubai has a place just off the pier referred to as "The Sandbox," or "The Oasis," sort of an open-air plaza of everything we've missed most. There's a coffee place, a pizza/grill place, Subway, two electronics/music stores, a smoke shop, some sort of salon, a massage parlor, the list goes on. We are, however, forbidden to take pictures here - this seems to be a common theme through most of this area of the world when we visit. Anyway, I am now fortified with that divine blend of chocolate and espresso that makes my euphoria sing.

I have hit an interesting revelation (because apparently we're not done with introspection yet). I don't want a relationship. I do, on the level that I've ALWAYS wanted to be the Princess pursued by the Knight, but really, right now, for what's going on in life and for where I am emotionally, I really want...a dog.

Seriously. It just occurred to me last week that I have been dreaming about a guy as a dog-substitute. I want a buddy to play with, a running partner, someone who's always happy to see me come home, who I can hang out with and not have to talk to, but whose presence just reminds me of what matters to me.

But, having a dog requires having a house (all right, yes, admittedly, in an apartment, I could have a SMALL dog, but I want an Aussie. Or a Goldie. Or a Bernese Mountain Dog. Actually, I found an Aussie/BMD cross on petfinder last night, and had to fight to remind myself that a) I am in the middle of the North Arabian Sea right now, b) I still live on the ship, not yet a barracks, when we get back to homeport, c) even if I do get to live in the barracks, I can't have a dog there, and most importantly, d) I spend about 3/4 of the year out to sea, and should not get solo custody of so much as a Siamese fighting fish right now.), and suddenly I launch once more into what's been called my "Point A to Point D" thinking, where I cannot afford a down payment on a house right now, so I should start saving, and also intensify my focus on my nursing degree and landing work at Mayo as soon as I get out, and what's the housing market like along this particular road I like near Roch...oh right. I'm still in the Navy.

But, all my limbs are attached, most of my skin is still on, I have received some sleep and still retain a sense of humor (it might not look the way it did before, but it's there!) and am grateful for many, many things in life. I may or may not get to call my family again tonight, and I am scheduled to be back in the States in a few months. Is good life.

And Off I Go Again!

This might be my last post for awhile.

Not that I mean to abandon everyone, but I'll soon be leaving, and where I'm going, the available internet blocks blogger. I've been batting around the idea of switching to a different site for this purpose, but I feel as though I don't have time between now and departure to have things the way I'd like them.

Picky, picky.

I'm now in the Seattle area. It's beautiful here; I'm looking forward to exploring a lot of these hills when I come back. There are trees EVERYWHERE. I walked past a ten-foot holly bush on my way to church the other day, just growing in someone's yard! I've never SEEN holly before, not actually growing and living.

I've long held a special appreciation for trees.

If any man has a place to sleep,
Clothes to wear,
And food to eat
A few good friends who know his heart
And a place in the woods to walk with God
How much richer can any man be?

I don't know what that's from, but it comes to mind, especially the last line, every time I'm out in the woods and see the riches spilled like the treasures of Aladdin's Cave. "How much richer can any man be?" I love the woods.

I have some apprehension about this deployment, but honestly, far more about being a tech. I feel like a seal trying to learn rock-climbing. I want to protest, "I'm not a waste! There's so much that I'm really very good at, there's just no use for it here! It doesn't show up on paper. But I do some things well!" Younger-me might have supposed that it's good for my humility, but somewhere along the way it clicked that humility didn't mean that I was supposed to worry and fret and be down on myself - it meant that I was supposed to be focused on something, someone, outSIDE myself. Forgetting whether I'm doing good or bad, forgetting ME, as it were, because someone else is here.

And when I'm trying hard to be good, and doing badly, it's very easy for me to start feeling sorry for myself.

So, no, I'm not really worried about the deployment. I will have forgotten things, yes. I will be short on sleep, yes. I will miss my family, and see many unfamiliar things, and endure the stress of living, working, eating, sleeping, and seeking recreation in what is effectively all the same building. But all of that, I can see past it. I will come back, in some condition or another. As long as I'm alive, I can heal from just about anything, so I'm not really concerned about the stress-damage yet.

But being a bad tech? For some reason, that really bothers me. Possibly because I want so much to be a GOOD tech, and I feel hopelessly unqualified. I know, by Navy standards, I went through school, and actually did very well, but I feel like that had far more to do with my test-taking abilities than my technical abilities. Rock-climbing seal.

Mail is a great, great encouragement, always. I won't always have time to respond, but I'll try.

Irrationale

Social network site points out that my friend has up a photo album of wedding prep. Navy has me out of the hometown loop, so it's entirely conceivable that my friend is getting married and I'm only just now finding out about it.

H and I are the same age, dear friends from college, somewhat drifted over the last two years. The news that she's getting married has me happy for her, and somewhat wistful, feeling as though I should be getting on the ball, by my age, I should be at least having a solid boyfriend with a future possibility of marriage.

But, 3 photos later, turns out that it is in fact H's sister who is getting married. Reaction here says something about me, because it's entirely, "Oh, hey, cool, M's getting married! Go her!" There's no sense that *I* should be following suit.

And M is at least two years younger than I am. My motivations amuse me.

Scuba, scuba, scooby-dooby-doo-ba!

This will be a long one.

So, with many many thanks to the people who love me and push me when I don't go after the good opportunities I have, I was able to squeeze into a basic scuba class before leaving San Diego!

As I leave on Tuesday (for somewhere much colder) and the class is a week long, I am very happy to have been pushed when I was.

This one is the NAUI Basic Scuba course. Had I another week, I would be going for the Advanced Course, although, to be honest, after this weekend, I would be doing a week of something completely unrelated like horseback riding and THEN do the Advanced Course. This takes a lot out of you.

Previously, I have thought, "Ah, I should get in better shape because I need to meet the Navy standard," or, "because I'd like to keep up with my athletic boyfriend," or even, "because I am too big." (This last one is a blatant lie, largely fed because I've been focusing on events that I'm not precisely built for, and completely ignoring those that I'm ideally suited to.)

After this week, lifting. Lifting, and endurance. I could justify an entire new running and workout program with the sole focus of being fit for diving - and I'm already considering it.

Diving is marvelous. I have a lot of trouble explaining it, though. There are these jewels of seconds that I find down there. It's more than the weightlessness, although that's cool. It's more than being able to explore an environment that I'm not made to survive in, although I love that. There's just something about being down there.

But GETTING down there is something that I have to want.

Diving itself is not hard. The act of descending, exploring, keeping track of my buddy, my remaining air, current depth, time before I have to return, swimming through the ocean, and ascending - that's all good.

But! Let us remember, the ocean is not a place that humans were designed for! There is necessary survival gear!

Wetsuit, hoods, booties - keep diver warm. Water snatches body heat away about 25 times faster than air does.
Weights, buoyancy control vest - human body is naturally buoyant, these allow the diver to reach the bottom or remain floating at the top, depending on the inflation of the BC.
Cylinder, regulators - most iconic part of scuba, carrying one's air along, and the couple of stops to keep 2000 PSI from blasting a diver out of the water every time he/she inhales.
Mask - turns out human eyes are designed to see through air*, and so need air between the pupils and the water in order to see detail through the water.
Snorkel - for any swimming at the surface; diver doesn't need to use up air, but we're designed to have the eyes and breathing orifices on the same side of the body, which doesn't work so well for surface swimming
Fins - Method of propulsion. Also, personal note - having tried both paddle fins and split fins, I HIGHLY recommend split fins. They are wonderful.

*I'm nearsighted, and as a kid, I thought things were blurry underwater because my contacts didn't work underwater.

It's not the most I've ever carried, but it's enough to keep anyone but Special Forces from jumping around.

Then, there is the little business of surf. Now, I grew up in a region with lakes. Many lakes. We don't HAVE surf, save for the Great Lakes, and that's not the same thing. Surf, I have concluded, is like the safety rails on a ship. God put it there to keep things from wandering into the ocean by accident. One can choose to leap the rails of a ship, just as one can choose to try to penetrate the surf after having been manhandled and thrashed upside the head twice.

There may have been an accident. I perhaps may have swallowed a little too much seawater. It's possible that, while traveling out through the surf, I stopped to wait for my buddy to catch up, since he was having more trouble with his fins than I had (towing was not feasible at this point). It would be likely that standing still while still inside the surf zone, one would perhaps be pushed further towards shore, say, into waist- or thigh- deep water. There is a REASON we put fins on in chest-deep water - you can't walk forwards in them, and you can't get your feet back under you when you're getting pounded and they're three feet long. You need to come up to breathe, you can't stand up because you can't get your feet under you, and the next wave keeps coming in and pushing you down again. I may have at some point gotten thrashed and dragged back to knee-deep water. There, I struggled to get my fins off, stood, and calmed down. Before charging in again.

Well, you can't QUIT. That would just be silly.

My buddy came back for me, figured out what happened, and we set out again. The second time, I lost my mask - THEN I was just MAD. Went charging after it, recovered, and we eventually fought through. I do not care for surf.

Then, one begins a long paddle-kick out to where one wishes to drop. This isn't like bicycling or running, or even most of swimming. It's using all the same muscles in a totally different way. It's like using your abs to control your knees. But it's peaceful, if the weather's good. Waves at this point are from the wind, not water columns hitting the bottom, and you go up, and down, and over, but they don't break on your head. And when the two of you (really, the leader - always choose before you go out who of the pair is leading) think you've gone far enough, you descend.

And THIS is when diving gets fun. You see things that you couldn't see anywhere else. You can play with them, if you know what they are and that they won't sting you, (My instructor has a great story about his dad playing with what he thought was a dead shark until he punched it in the head). Our instructors teach us, "Take only pictures, leave only bubbles." Ideally, we control our buoyancy, and don't touch the bottom unless there's something on it that we want to touch.

And you can SEE so much. So much that you would never get to see if you hadn't come down here.

We can also see what's called a thermocline. This is a layer of water probably ten degrees colder than the one we're in right now. It shimmers a little, and feels heavier when we get into it. This is what leeches our energy most, I think.

Wrestling with a wetsuit (ours were still wet today), carrying the weight, fighting through the surf, and then the slow leech of body heat. I had breakfast, 2 Power Bars, 2 Clif Bars (these are my favorite), 2 bananas, and half a pound of peanut M&Ms, and I was STILL exhausted when I came back that night.

(Before you recommend anything to me: as of 12 hours before a dive, we can't have alcohol, anything acidic (bananas are about the only okay fruit), anything fried, anything dairy, or anything that would cause gas to build up inside us. Gas forming in one's body when one is under the weight of 3 atmospheres is no good thing.)

I'm so, so glad I did this. And I am so, so ready for a long nap. I would say, if it's like this, I would take one weekend every month to go diving, and practice swimming like this thrice every week in a pool, but every other weekend I would spend on something less taxing, like marathon training. :)

San Diego

Well, will you look at that? I'm in San Diego!

Admittedly, I have been for a few weeks. I'll be transferring in a little over a week, actually. But someone suggested that I should make a few notes about life here.

For starters, one must recall that I spent the last year and more in Great Lakes. Widely held to be the single most stressful Naval base on the planet. And then transferred...to San Diego. For atmosphere, this feels like I went from The Green Mile to Sesame Street.

It is BEAUTIFUL here. I live in a three-story apartment building that appears to be carved out of tofu. There are palm trees everywhere, and these great purple flowers and ferns in the courtyard. Growing up in the Midwest, I'm internally confused by the weather; I'm accustomed to adjusting for the changes as part of the challenge and flavor of Today.

The weather doesn't change. There have, admittedly, been two overcast days in the time that I've been here, and then the temperature dropped to 65. But, every day, it is sunny, partly cloudy, sunny, 70 degrees, with a constant gentle sea breeze coming in from the harbor. It has the little inner me confuzzled. "HOW can it do that? How can it be the same every day? How does it keep from changing??"

School is a sight less stressful than A School. Actually, this could very well be the easiest assignment I will have in my entire time in the Navy. My instructor is pretty much the male equivalent of where I'd like to be in life in six years. I find this very encouraging, because it feels like most of my friends back home are getting settled at about my age, and I know I won't be settling for some time.

There is SO much to do in San Diego. I have

Gone to Sea World (free once/year to military. Penguins. Arctic everything. Dolphins, dolphins, orcas are so cool. Penguins. Pen-ga-wins. Penguins. Bring sunscreen.)
Spent a day at Mission Beach with friends (tasty ice cream, worst fish tacos I've ever had, the Pacific throws me around much more than the Atlantic, go to the bathroom BEFORE you find yourself half a mile out on a rock jetty barefoot with the tide coming in, and apply sunscreen WAY more often than I think I need to - I got a second-degree sunburn that day).
Spent the next two days incapacitated by said sunscreen. Learning a lot about ways to deal with sunscreen. Somehow, I forgot that SoCal is closer to the sun than, say, Chicago.
Found a Zumba class. I am in the minority here, not because I am female, but because I am a) active duty, b) under 30, and c) Caucasian. I am seriously the ONLY white girl in this class. This is cool.
Found a fun pool class. With a fun, cute lifeguard.
Went to Old Town, found an amazing pizza place.
Went to the San Diego Zoo. Always free to military. Pandas, giraffes, flamingos, a random peacock, elephants, lions, jaguars, snakes, cheetahs, new guinea singing dogs, bears bears bears, takins...for starters. We spent the entire day there, and only saw half of it. We will be returning this Saturday. Note to me - LOT of walking (because we have no interest in taking the helpful express bus that runs around the park), hydrate like crazy.

I had the option for getting my SCUBA cert, but it's not going to happen before I leave. Kinda bummed about that - it's a cool thing to have, and can open up a few random doors in the Navy. Hoping I get the chance later - San Diego seemed the ideal place for it.

We found a very loud pizza place downtown. Terrible for socializing, but the food's fantastic. I give you the following: Italian style crust, olive oil, garlic, parmesan, mozzarella. Chicken bacon gorgonzola. YUM. Learned after it arrived that the ingredients I thought I'd chosen at random were in fact what my friend used to make macaroni & cheese when he was younger. Cool.

I have a very cool roommate. By this I mean that she's nice, we get along, we stay out of each other's space, and there are no battles about cleaning or food. Realized only NOW that, of the five roommates I've had since getting free of Boot Camp, at least 4 of them have been smokers. Odd trend, because from what I've seen, less than 15% of the people in our barracks were smokers.

The one downside to this place is that it induces you to sleep - and eat - a LOT. I get to class, and I'm hungry at 0900. I get out of class, and the first thing I want to do is take a 2-hour nap. I don't have early mornings - 0600 is the perfect time to wake up in my world (Great Lakes, it was 0500 every morning - not pleased), and I get to have the morning the way I like it - shower, breakfast, devos, out the door.

I really can't get over San Diego. Being stationed in San Diego. There's so MUCH to do here. I have a list that might...MIGHT...peter out two weeks before Halloween, if I didn't find anything else to add to it. If I was here a week longer, I'd be able to do the SCUBA thing. Month longer, safari park, and...and...And hit the museums. And kayak at La Jolla. And go wine-tasting in Temecula. And go up to Carlsbad with my roommate and see the caverns. And go spend a weekend with my buddy's family and see Disneyland. And Magic Mountain. And...okay, Tijuana's sort of roped off to us military folk, forget that. And hike Three Sisters. A lot. There's Just So Much!!

So, I'm having fun here. :)

Transfer

And now I'm in San Diego.

So, after getting pretty well taken in by some humanist heresy last week, I'm marinating my brain in Romans. This helps. A lot. I may just do this for the rest of the year.

Oh, yeah. In case anyone cares, I have some traditions with my Bible reading, and some big blocks of, "Hey let's study something." Advent, I spend with a purpose. Last year it was memorizing Luke 2:1-20*. I then go on from there to do all four gospels between Christmas and Easter, and start Acts right after Easter. And, when I can, I do the chapter-a-day thing from Proverbs (which is great for life-advice, but doesn't really mention Jesus all that much). But somehow, I'd gotten thrown off the path a bit.

So, yeah. Romans. SLOW Romans. And I definitely needed this.

In other news, I'm working on packing. Recent events that one has heard about in the news mean that necessary measures must be taken where I live, which doesn't change much about my day-to-day living, but does mean that no one can drive on base if they don't work here. This puts a small snarl in the next part of my plan (go God for that - I realize this REALLY wasn't about me, but He seems to have this thing for reminding me that, no, I cannot in fact see every possible eventuality and prepare for it. That's why I rely on HIM.), as I was planning on getting my stuff to a vehicle just outside. My friend and I may be schlepping it the mile to the gate. Sigh.

This is where I get mocked by the Soldiers and Marines.

Another area of discipline has presented itself - my Kindle of which I am so fond allows me easy access to Amazon, when I have wireless, and easy download without that pesky shopping cart that shows a final total before purchase. I currently have 2 cents in my checking account. This is not how I anticipated going into this move. All right, so I also wasn't expecting my taxes to be so much this year, and I definitely wasn't anticipating the government's financial tie-up. I do HAVE a savings buffer for just this reason...but after those two, it's not much. I am learning.

This summer will entail multiple transitions. May alone will entail much transition. But, if God's cool with it, by the end of summer I will have completed the next phase of my educational training (the ones after can be done from the ship), joined my ship, and be off on deployment. This will be the first year that I won't be with my family for Christmas. I know there are a lot of other considerations, but that's the one that gets me. Christmas is kind of a biggie with me. And I know it's only May, but with everything that's gone into the last few months, it feels as if the holidays should be coming up again.

In good news, I have WONDERFUL friends here., and I only wish I'd gotten to know them sooner. Sunday, we went for a walk to the next community over and had lunch at a Cuban/French restaurant, and went to Walgreens. I realize this doesn't sound like much, but on base, you always know exactly what's available in the grocery store. It never changes. There are seven kinds of cereal. Seeing a box of Honey Comb was a gasp of freedom.

It is a bright and lovely day outside, and I finished H.G. Wells "Time Machine" today. This was once described to me as a very dark book - it might say something sad about me that I found it only cynical. I do agree with the premise that without challenge, we would lose skills and intelligence that no longer served us, but I disagree with the author that we'll ever reach a point of existing without adversity. This is not me being hopeless - I still think we should work to overcome everything that currently faces us, but part of that rationale is that I believe MORE is yet coming.

I AM getting cynical. Well, perhaps a balance, since I think we're capable of overcoming a fair amount of the illnesses and social imbalance that presently exist. Natural disasters, I got nothin'. I think we can get better at predicting them, and thus preparing for them, but keeping them from happening? Nah.

Also, I think Man's got to keep from getting too big for his britches, and retain some sense of awe in the face of something too great to be controlled.

I may have a chance to get some laundry done, and I found a Rascal Flatts album that had gotten stuck in some random corner of my laptop. So, that's all good.

And tonight, I may sleep again.



*This year, I might do something with the prophecies about Christ in Isaiah, which would be a cool study project. Or, I might have all Scripture driven out of my mind by the amount of new stuff I have to learn on deployment, and just get to do Luke again.

If You Were Wondering...

In the event that anyone's unclear on this, I am in fact planning to lose my mind.

It's a survival mechanism, here. You become absolutely fantastic about parroting back information. You study leadership, electronics, naval history, military history, how to work out better without hurting yourself, how to eat properly when you've got limited variety in your grub, and on the side, perhaps a bit of fun literature just to work the kinks out of your brain. Sort of like going for an easy run after spending nine hours at the gym.

In addition to this, I try to find time to grab a bit of Scripture, and possibly a well-known Christian author that simply everyone is reading. Basic maintenance, you understand.

My responsibility is to take what I've read, be able to repeat it, and be able to put it into action. Very frequently, very quickly, and invention does me no favors here. We are training OUT of original thought. Original thought is wrong, it's how we make mistakes, we're not doing it right.

Now, this is not to say that servicemembers are stupid. If we were, we wouldn't be here. We wouldn't make it. This environment is demanding to say the least, and I'm still only in my first school. The simple fact is that we're adaptable. We have to be. If the way to survive in this environment is to stuff in scads of information and regurgitate it rapid-fire, we'll learn that.

But prior to my enlisting, I had a theory about human nature, and it is what allows me to do this. I hold that, left to its own devices, as long as one is still alive and everything is relatively intact, the mind and the body can heal. Always. From anything. The extent of damage may take a very long time to heal in some cases, perhaps more time than any person has left in life, but there will still be change. This is my problem with suicide, really - that if a person had just waited, at some point, life would get better. The mind would get better, once removed from the nasty situation.

So I collect beauty. I'm not sure why, exactly, but there's something about beauty that heals the mind. Tonight I spent an hour listening to my sister's friend play acoustic guitar on his youtube videos. Not that his voice is remarkably lovely, but acoustic is quietly so. And it tells me that somewhere out there, there's a young man who has TIME to play his guitar. I haven't had time to play my saxophone in months. Now and again I find an unattended piano and can run over some well-rehearsed melodies, but that's rare. But somewhere is a person who isn't running for food, or shelter, or dashing to compete against other people who are just as deserving as he is for one isolated position that might elevate him to a higher level of responsibility in hopes of catching the eye of the leader who might get him a few points towards his next rank. Someone's free, somewhere back home.

And that's what I think about. I don't want to ditch my responsibilities. I want to serve, to do what I said I would, and do it well. And when it comes to after this, I talk about my plans for college, and work, and what else I hope to accomplish. But when I think on my own time about getting out, I'm reminded of a scene from Spitfire Grill, because all of my fantasies are just having some time alone in the woods, on the hills, sitting in the grass or the dirt, and just breathing. Just eyes closed, hearing the woods around me. Coming back to that same place for days, where I'm not imposing on it, and the world can forget I'm there. And hopefully, with enough time, I can forget I'm there, forget about me and where I hurt, and what I need to be doing, and just listen.

And then in time, a long time later, I might be okay around my sister's friend, and she might ask him to play guitar (because I think I'm going to be a very quiet person for a very long time), and I'll sit, and listen to the notes spill from the frets, and something else will unlock from between my shoulders, and more will seep away.

And after a long time, I might trust someone to go hiking the North Shore with me, when I'm not hiding the tension, but I can let it seep out of me, to be caught up by the wind off the lake and flung up into the clouds.

And someday, someday, I will laugh for sheer exuberance, the way I used to, when I suddenly take off running. And I'll be free.

I'm not PTSD. I haven't seen combat, and it's greater than a 99% probability that I never will. I'm not dealing with anything more than any other person on this base, likely. And I still have yet to hit the job I'm actually training for. But my sister worries sometimes, that her sister is getting lost. And I wanted to let you know that in some ways, I kind of am, but I'm on a long leash back to myself. I knew a little about this before I came in. And I'm going to be okay again.

People Who Should Not Summarize Shakespeare = Me.

One of my managers has informed me that I'll rot my brain from reading too much. He may be right, because today I read Shakespeare's "Venus and Adonis," and came away unimpressed.

Mostly with Venus.

A: *riding boldly through the fields*
V: "Oh la! A pretty boy!"
A: *takes no notice of goddess*
V: *flies to A's lap, twining her arms around his neck* "Won't you be my pretty boy?"
A: Away from me, woman! I have better things to do!
V: *pout*

V: *flings A from saddle, pins him to the ground* "Won't you be my pretty boy?"
A: "No. You're being a tart."
V: "Kiss me!"
A: "No! I belong to the god of war!"
V: "Kiss me! Kiss me!"
A: "No!"

At this point, the riderless horse observes a pretty mare off in the woods, and chases after her.

A: *leaping quickly to his feet* "------, woman! You made me lose my horse!"
V: "You should follow your horse's example. Kiss me!"
A: "No."
V: "Kiss me!"
A: "No."
V: "Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me!"
A: "Okay."

V: "This was fun! I love you! Can we do this again tomorrow night?"
A: "Can't. Going boar-hunting with the boys."
V: "A boar! Boars are so dangerous. You should hunt rabbits."
A: "I like boars."
V: "But you're so beautiful! And I love you! The boar won't see how beautiful you are."

Adonis extricates himself, goes off to meet his friends. Venus, no joke, spends the entire night weeping (very loudly) and singing to echoes.

Later that same day, she hears the sounds of the hunt.

V: "The beautiful boy is dead! Curse you, Death! You should not take pretty people!"

She hears his voice, calling to his dogs.

V: "Oh! He's not dead! Hail, Death, King of Graves, who is discerning for which people deserve to live!"

She finds him fallen and slain.

V: "What is this? He can't be dead! All the world loves him for his beauty - the birds, the wolves, the tigers - even the boar did not fight him, no, it tried to kiss him, it did! It was not the boar's fault that it had such sharp tusks!"

She throws herself on his body, mixing her tears with his blood. Adonis' body vaporizes into a flower. Venus picks the flower and tucks it in her shirt, flying away.

V: "Since I, the goddess of love, have so suffered in love, all mankind shall suffer whenever they love, and he that loves most will suffer most!"


Okay, I like Shakespeare, to be honest. But Venus' lack of modesty pretty much turned me off to her from about the sixth line, and it didn't get any better. Beautiful descriptions, but I've apparently been spoiled by Jane Austen on the notion that the hero and leading lady are going to have worthwhile personality traits. I realize this makes me rather unenlightened.

In OTHER news, a skeptic friend and I are wrestling with the veracity of the Bible. This is not the first time that this has happened, but it just occurred to me - if I was REALLY living as a Christian, like, you could see it as soon as you looked at me, would I keep finding myself in this situation? There's a repeating trend of one of my dear friends deciding that we need to be together, but 90% if the time it's a guy who believes in God and family values, but doesn't believe in the Bible. Is this what I look like and therefore attract all the time, or is that just 90% of the male population?

Bought and Leaving

I can be bought, it seems.

And I got orders.

The first, because it's more of a lighthearted thing. I have mentioned that, being in the military, I am up to my ears in males. And it's not that most of them have anything wrong with them. Some do. But for the most part, they're good. I'm just not at all interested in dating when we all know how transient life on this base is.

I play for keeps, one might say.

But this doesn't really stop the invitations. One of them, though, got smart. Figured out something I'm interested in. Figured out that he has something along that line that he was kind of done with anyways. I asked him how much he wanted for it*. He said if I got dinner on Saturday, we'd call it good.

Hmmm.

Hmmmmmmm.

I really, really want this. I could take it with me to sea, and play with it on my laptop. And this arrangement costs me at least $200 than it would if I bought it myself. And I don't dislike him - I just don't really know him that well.

Hmmmm.

I'm trying to figure out if this is unethical.

*This is very common on this base. Probably most bases. People will buy stuff for life-comfort here that they can't or don't want to bring with them on a ship. So, they end up selling it for half-price or less to someone who's going to be here longer than they are.

In other news, I...got...orders. I can't quite get my brain around this. I'm sloooowly becoming accustomed to the notion that I've advanced in rank. But...orders? Me?

Y'have to understand, on this base, ETs are here forever. Two running jokes for us are, "The Fleet is a myth," and "retiring from Great Lakes!" It isn't actually forever - most people are out of here in less than two years, and our contracts all have a two-year extension built in for just this purpose. But in contrast with every other rate that trains at this base, it definitely feels like we're growing roots here.

And I...I have orders? I'd already accepted that I was going to be here for...wow. A long time. I'd made plans for Halloween in Chicago. I'd asked my younger sister if she'd join me for Sonshine, an epic four-day Christian music festival that takes place in MN every summer. In the back of my mind, I was tooling around the concept of another Christmas standdown from this base.

They're good orders, too. Hard work, but hard play too, by reputation. So, the next five years might age me fast, but I'm going to have a lot of fun getting old.

I'm still a bit stunned, but what I WILL say is - it's not shore duty, and it's not overseas. Both of which would have been fun, I'll grant. But I think this will be fun, too.

I just can't quite believe that I'm actually getting out of here.

Odd Exchange

Walking back tonight. I will not be drinking for St. Patrick's for various reasons - one of the ones further down the list is that there is one bar I like on base, and I am predicting that it will be packed. I am coming back from a post-rehearsal Bible study, about twenty-five minutes from my barracks, with the remainder of some snacks.

Nearly to my barracks, another guy is crossing the street in the opposite direction, muttering.

G: "Bad. That's bad."
F: (thinking he's referring to some sort of barracks-junk) "What's bad?"
G: "You. You shouldn't be walking back alone after dark."
F: *little bit of a smile*
G: *continuing on past me, turning* "Haven't you heard about the **** that's been going down lately*?"

*No, in fact, I hadn't. The last time I heard about a girl on base getting attacked walking back after dark was in September - and the young lady in question had been a former boxer.

F: *amused*"Well, if anybody tries anything, I can just sock 'em with my bag of bread."
G: *moving on* "Good. Good. You should do that. Hit 'em hard."
F: *confidently*"Can do."

Usually, when I have conversations like that, they're coming from the bar to the barracks, not the other way around. But, Happy St. Patrick's Day.


(Let it be noted that when I AM concerned for my safety, I grab one of my male buddies to walk me back. I have done this before, but my spidey-sense wasn't tingling that night. At the point of this conversation, I was about a block from my barracks.)

Week of Averages

The issue here is that this week has involved some really great highs and some really bizarre lows, but by Saturday afternoon (about the only time I really have time anymore), it's all mentally averaged out into about the same level of the week before. This means that I feel as though I have nothing useful to share.

The suicide rate on this base is at an all-time high. I have to tell you, I cannot get my brain around that concept. I don't understand it. Not like, "I don't understand how this could happen," because I understand perfectly well how this could happen. Or at least, I can see it in action. It's more an issue of numbers, since this base will have been standing for a century come this summer. It's an empty statistic. What I CAN understand is that the suicide rate on this base is the highest it's been in ten years. Apparently, the same goes for the drug abuse (instant out from the Navy) and alcohol abuse (more negotiable out) rates.

People who come from other bases talk about coming on this base and feeling a darkness here, like an oily black cloud that hangs out around knee-height, or hovers between this place and the sun, so that you're never out from under it, you're always breathing it. So far, the weird part isn't who's affected, it's who's UNaffected. Those of us who still smile and have fun with life really stand out.

I'm wrapping up the last few requirements to get my crow this month. (This is the Navy nickname for the "perching eagle" (not to be confused with the spread eagle, that's a Captain) that Petty Officers wear. I've never seen it called a "perching eagle" anywhere outside of a textbook.) One of these is a three-day class by name of "Prevent." It's mostly about making decent decisions. The Navy's HUGE on fitness, but they're actually big on a "total fitness" thing - your finances, your relationships, your nutrition - we as students tend to focus quite a bit more on the physical fitness aspect, because it's about the only one that we're actually graded on.

Wacky-good thing, I ended up as the class leader for this. This is really a micro-chain-of-command, but it's still something that makes you stand out, even infinitesimally, from all the other digis. I often think we look like small flocks of birds in our NWUs. Over the next three days, learned that, by Navy standards, I am not in NEARLY as good physical shape as I'd thought, but I'm making better lifestyle choices than the vast majority of sailors, so...yay?

Well, sort of yay. I still have to pass my PRTs. These are every six months. The thing is, passing shouldn't be that difficult - it's sort of a minimum standard. But for this one, I was in Radar for all of January, cutting down any time that I might have given to regular PT. I'm beginning to suspect that I have a milder form of 'test-anxiety' (really, doesn't everyone have this?) but I'm never getting it diagnosed, because I apparently produce my best results when I'm freaking out about the prospect of failure.

If you're going to go through most of life as a Type "B" personality, you've got to have SOMETHING kick you in the pants when you need to actually produce results.

But, let there be much rejoicing, I did pass, and almost exactly in the range I usually train for. That was one of the particularly crazy days, when I left my barracks at 0630 and didn't get back 'til just before 2100, running from one responsibility to the next. It feels good, though - a little zany at times, but I LIKE being able to do more.

I've been apprenticing as the yeoman (secretary) for the chapel choir - I'm taking over in March. I also got invited to be on the student leadership for Connexion - it's sort of our base ministry. Still can't get a SNUFI job - my barracks wants more students in the "holds" section before they'll approve anyone taking other jobs during the day. But, hoping.

Everything I said about being here another 6-8 months? Yeah. Forget that. I COULD be here another 6-8 months. On the other hand, just learned at a brief on Friday that one of the guys from my class received his orders THIS week to transfer NEXT week. So, it's fairly up in the air.

I've had hot water for 6 out of 7 showers this week, so I'm pretty happy about that.

I may or may not have had my first heart attack on Thursday. Jury's still out. Symptoms were acting like it, but aside from the PRT-anxiety, there's been nothing that would explain it. 30s-friend thinks I did, Army-friend thinks it's possible, EMT-friend thinks I'm too young. I kind of agree with EMT-friend, but a surprising number of Pre-BUD/S get heart attacks during their training and don't realize it until a real doctor checks them out ten years later. I'm going to sick call on Monday - another piece of my current to-do list was a medical check anyway.

This afternoon, a friend and I are going to go see Tangled. Again. This is the 3rd or 4th time I've seen it since it came out. Rapunzel is my new favorite Disney princess. I'm delighted that the on-base theater keeps bringing this one back.

Plus, there are always kids in the audience when they show movies I really like. I don't get to interact with them, but just seeing them running around is great.

I may have found a church! Mama Mac invited about a half-dozen of the girls from Connexion to a women's retreat, and I liked the church well enough to go to their service later that night. It's about four miles away from base, so walking there'd be no issue in the afternoons, and I can catch a ride back to base after dark. (The church's neighborhood is lovely - my base's, not so much.) There's a bit of paperwork and pleading I'd have to do in order for my leadership to let me off base without a buddy, but if I'm going to church, they might be okay with it. I'm excited!

Honeycrisp apples are amazing.

My friend Stephanie and I watched A Little Princess again last Sunday. I don't think I'd seen it in the last ten years, but I remember watching it when we were little. So, so good. I needed to hear a lot of that, that all girls are princesses, because I'd stopped believing that I really had any value.

Stephanie's become my dearest friend on base, and she transferred yesterday. She's been making interesting plans to get me to Hawaii (where she's based) and to set me up with one of her or her fiance's male Christian friends at their wedding this fall. She's absolutely wonderful, and it's been great spending so much time with her, and I honestly can't picture being at Great Lakes for 8 months with no Stephanie. Just doesn't compute. Stephanie's ALWAYS been here.

(It should be noted, I have had other friends transfer before, and for the most part, you recognize the transient nature of everything here. Stephanie's like my on-base sister, though.)

Found a yoga class that I love. Forgot how much I love flexibility work - Navy teaches that you're supposed to be mixing up flexibility, strength, and cardio, and I've really just been loading up cardio from graduation to my PFA. (I am not a SEAL. They do not care how many chin-ups I can do. They just want to make sure I can run.) Schedule only permits being there one day a week, but one is infinitely better than none. :)

There've been other minor ups and downs, but, as stated, by the time Saturday afternoon comes around, everything has sort of settled and evened out. I'm content, happy, frustrated, and okay with that.

Brainwashing

Okay, one of my friends just ran smack into this, so I should probably explain that it's there.

This does NOT mean that I'm depressed. Actually, I'm fairly happy and well-balanced. That's what makes this kind of scary.

We're inundated with a couple different messages. One is that we're not worth much, we're all grunts, all the same, any one of us can fill in for another at any given time. Another is that anyone on the outside has forgotten us, those relationships aren't real, they have their own lives to move on with and don't remember you. This second one is to make us more cohesive - if the outside relationships don't matter, the ones on the inside matter even more.

There are obvious counters to these. The most obvious one in my life is my family - my parents and sisters - followed by three friends and a sizable chunk of my Camp family. My parents and sisters have been AMAZING about supporting me - I'm able to talk with them every week, they think of me, pray for me (this is big), send me mail (also big), and there's really no way that I could think that they've forgotten me.

The value thing holds out against that. I retain the idea that these people who haven't forgotten me still love me not for anything I have to offer, but in spite of the fact that I DON'T really have anything, and they still take pleasure in me. It's a cool way to love, when that's what's really going on. Pretty much based on the way God loves us.

I was watching Charade on Sunday (why? Because I love Audrey Hepburn. I always end up identifying with her characters. The guys were having a pre-game LAN party, the girls were upstairs watching a movie), and ended up texting a friend over the question of whether a woman's trust was worth $250,000. He answered that you couldn't put price on it. Later that week, I told him that I felt like I was worth about $250, maybe $280 on a good day. Not "woe-is-me," just the fact. The grand total of everything I thought I brought to the table. And the scary bit was that I was content with that. I wasn't sad, or down on myself. I even remember justifying, "Hey, $250 is a lot in some countries! Do you know how many people out there live on less than $2 a day?!"

We're not depressed (well, for the most part. Some people really are, but that's because we're in Great Lakes, which depresses everybody). We believe these teachings as the parameters of our world, and we approach that world with the same attitude that we came to the last one. Mine is one of quirky pluck, random cheer. This is the way the world is, okay, I'm going to be happy in it.

And generally that works FINE. Until a friend randomly messages me with something cool that reminded him of me, and I realize that he HASN'T forgotten me, DOES still love me and see me as having value, and suddenly everything I know is called into question.

So, if you and I someday reunite, and I seem a little weird, it's probably not that I'm not happy to see you; I just had no idea that you'd be happy to see ME.

Back up to speed.

Oh yeah! This little darlin' is still kicking around!

All right, so my internet use has been rather sporadic due to the last third of my program being Radar. So, what have I been up to in the last month?

Accelerated electronics program, mostly. When I have time, I PT, but that's not nearly as often as I'd like. Hopefully with the coming graduation, more time will free up.

Personally, I doubt it. The way I live, free time never stays free - it's a vacuum. "Hey! There's space here! I can put something in there!" It's a good life, though. :)

Also, I jumped in a lake! There are photos on Facebook - a hole was cut next to the boat docks. Lake Michigan is frozen right up to shore. I've a friend from California - he's been stationed in Iraq, Japan, and Hawaii, and has no intentions of passing this way again - who agreed to take the plunge with me. I'm more impressed with him, really - for me, this wasn't that cold, just a lot of fun.

I saw Tangled with a few friends - yes, ladies, there are in fact straight guys out there who like Disney movies. Few of them will admit it in the first three months after you meet. It was a good time. This might be my new favorite Disney movie.

At some point in the last four weeks, I actually had time to SIT DOWN and watch a movie (this was probably during a massive two-day blizzard that shut down the whole base). In light of two of my friends receiving orders to Hawaii, Lilo and Stitch seemed appropriate. Crazy thing - if you only have time to watch one movie in a month, that movie will be playing in your head for the REST of that month. And people wonder why I don't watch the stupid ones.

Aside from those, my immediate friends (especially a soldier who gets out in April) can tell you that I've been riding a roller coaster of stress going through various radars. Originally, all of us (myself included) were trying to figure out the best way to keep me calm and happy - and then I realized that all of my best test scores were the tests when I was freaking out and terrified. Apparently I do well under pressure, in a sort of sideways fashion.

The fun thing, looking back, is the final lab. Up to this point, we worked with a particular radar receiver, or a certain display, or a radar switchboard, with some variation. The final lab combines everything into one system, and once again sends the student out to figure out how it's broken and what to replace. But, each of these individual components that had us brain-wracking in the days before, we simply blink that this one is part of the system. The display was the most interesting - the original display module was supposed to be the big mountain for all of us to hurdle, and I think we did lose some people over it. In the systems lab, thanks to everything we went through on that display, we now know exactly what to expect from it, and there's no problem that it's included.

There are other problems with that lab, of course, but I've taken that, "Do not pray for easy lives," business to heart. :) Also, interesting note, apparently I talk to my electronics without realizing it. One of my lab buddies overheard me (I was puzzled with my switchboard) quietly mutter, "Come on, baby, don't do this now." We're entertained.

But, barring unforeseen cataclysm, or a petty officer having a really bad day, I graduate tomorrow. I'll describe the next adventures as they come. :)

Standards?

"Oh, Steve*, that's really sweet of you, but I actually like guys who shower on a daily basis. Sorry."

*not his real name

The misadventures of being in the vast gender minority continue!

For anyone who came in late, some stats:

6,000 students on base.

Approximately 35 males to every 1 female.

This is not taking into account whoever is married, gay, or in a long-term relationship. All of these skew the odds further.

It occurs to no one that I don't WANT to be in a relationship right now. I'm not married. I don't have a boyfriend. I'm straight. And I'm actually really okay with being single.

"Single" is supposedly a lamentable condition, and anyone suffering this malady simply must be desperate to be rid of it. Yes? Yes? So, what are you doing Friday?

It could be observed that one of the reasons I'm okay with being single is that I don't have time to date. I suppose I could explain, "I can only have boyfriends on Saturdays," but I'm slightly concerned that they might take me up on that. But, really, the fact that I'm out of school doesn't mean I have heaps of time lying around; it just means that I'm less stressed than before.

Telling guys that I don't date for fun; if I'm dating someone, it's to figure out whether we could get married, works. Kind of. Gets rid of about 2/3 of them, anyway. Sigh.

I realize that there's all kinds of help and advice in the world for catching male attention. I, by contrast, can tell you ladies - join the military. If you are single and desiring otherwise when you come in, you will likely develop a significant other two weeks after Boot Camp. Maybe three, if you're shy. I, by contrast, try different techniques to lose male interest.

I've observed in other women that the best approach is to not shower, not brush your teeth, generally don't care about your appearance. Yeah, that's not going to happen here.