Ask a Silly Person...

In his defense, my reputation is for being an overly cheerful walking Discovery channel. I'm too happy and I know stuff, in everyone's opinion. With the exception of the roommates and a half-dozen friends, I don't think anyone on base is aware of this aspect of the Firefly.

One of the misadvantages (no, not disadvantages - misadvantages) of self-paced computer-based education is the point when your brain can't take any more stuffing. Needs some variety. But we each hit that point at, well, different points.

So, when my friend from the other side of the room meanders my way for some chit-chat, I'm still mentally gnawing on a concept in digital electronics, eyes focused on the screen, ears focused on my friend, and brain processing both signals with a fair amount of extra noise borrowed from the "random" circut just to produce an output signal.

The result sounded something like this.

"So, what did you do today?"

"Conquered a small town in Norway." I'm still mildly glaring at the screen. The math isn't working. I don't like it when the math doesn't work.

My friend audibly blinks.

Somewhat reflectively, I elaborate. "Well, not so much 'conquered' as 'inveigled into my jurisdiction'. The mayor was a bit of a stiff, so we all had a chat, and they like me better. Or something like that. I don't really speak Swedish. Anyway, it's mine now."

"They speak Swedish in Norway?"

"No, the town started out in Sweden. I moved it to Norway. So, yeah, I guess they're speaking Swedish in Norway. Anyway, it's mine now."

"Uhhhmmm....what are you going to do with a town in Norway?" He's trying. Gamely trying to follow this. Offer him your pity, friends - I have yet to break the delivery of straightfaced nonchalance.

"Set up shop. Learn to play the harp. See the midnight sun, go barefoot in the hot springs. Raise sheep. After I retire, anyway. First, I have to teach the villagers how to fight vampires."

"Ah." He thinks this over. A wiser man would by this point have retreated to his desk on the other side of the room. He's young - first year of his enlistment. He will learn. "Er, are there vampires in Norway?"

Foolish boy. Quit giving me opportunities for material. "All over Scandinavia. There didn't used to be. The Vikings kept 'em back - Scandinavia's all Viking territory, and the vampires were content down in Romania. They fought with the Germans over Schwarzwald, but then the werewolves came in and wanted it, too, and there wasn't enough territory, so they started moving north again. But that was right around the 1200s, and the Vikings had found Canada and said, 'Hey, prime real estate, we will call it...'This land!'* And so they all moved into Canada, and kept moving deeper and deeper inland, and generally getting tamer and tamer as they went in, until they reached Minnesota and became Lutherans."

Another audible blink, but there's more.

"So, they're all quiet-like now. They don't do war and conquer anymore; now they just do what they can to bring a dose of peace, happiness, and good food wherever they go. An excellent way to conquer the world, really, but it means that no one's left to fight the vampires!"

Trouble indeed. Ah, perhaps this will be more familiar territory, here, then, let us pursue this train of thought. "How do you fight vampires?"

"You resuscitate them. Because they're the undead, animated by an unnatural force, you need to bring them back to life, so that they'll remember that they're supposed to be dead, and die."

Curious. "How do you resuscitate a vampire?"

"Well, CPR's really tough, what with the fangs and the whole them-trying-to-kill-you thing. That's why I need to finish my nursing degree, and bring my other health science friends with me. We'll find a way to bring them to life, they'll die, my friends can go back to Mayo if they want, the villagers will be happy, I'll retire and raise my sheep**."

At this point, my friend gives up, and tries my serious, studious deskmate instead. "What did you do today?"

Not looking away from his computer screen, he responds. "Not that."



*I am never above quoting Firefly. I will be quoting Firefly on my deathbed.
**You can ask about the sheep if you want. You'll be getting a response similar to this whole shebang, but you can ask.