The issue here is that this week has involved some really great highs and some really bizarre lows, but by Saturday afternoon (about the only time I really have time anymore), it's all mentally averaged out into about the same level of the week before. This means that I feel as though I have nothing useful to share.
The suicide rate on this base is at an all-time high. I have to tell you, I cannot get my brain around that concept. I don't understand it. Not like, "I don't understand how this could happen," because I understand perfectly well how this could happen. Or at least, I can see it in action. It's more an issue of numbers, since this base will have been standing for a century come this summer. It's an empty statistic. What I CAN understand is that the suicide rate on this base is the highest it's been in ten years. Apparently, the same goes for the drug abuse (instant out from the Navy) and alcohol abuse (more negotiable out) rates.
People who come from other bases talk about coming on this base and feeling a darkness here, like an oily black cloud that hangs out around knee-height, or hovers between this place and the sun, so that you're never out from under it, you're always breathing it. So far, the weird part isn't who's affected, it's who's UNaffected. Those of us who still smile and have fun with life really stand out.
I'm wrapping up the last few requirements to get my crow this month. (This is the Navy nickname for the "perching eagle" (not to be confused with the spread eagle, that's a Captain) that Petty Officers wear. I've never seen it called a "perching eagle" anywhere outside of a textbook.) One of these is a three-day class by name of "Prevent." It's mostly about making decent decisions. The Navy's HUGE on fitness, but they're actually big on a "total fitness" thing - your finances, your relationships, your nutrition - we as students tend to focus quite a bit more on the physical fitness aspect, because it's about the only one that we're actually graded on.
Wacky-good thing, I ended up as the class leader for this. This is really a micro-chain-of-command, but it's still something that makes you stand out, even infinitesimally, from all the other digis. I often think we look like small flocks of birds in our NWUs. Over the next three days, learned that, by Navy standards, I am not in NEARLY as good physical shape as I'd thought, but I'm making better lifestyle choices than the vast majority of sailors, so...yay?
Well, sort of yay. I still have to pass my PRTs. These are every six months. The thing is, passing shouldn't be that difficult - it's sort of a minimum standard. But for this one, I was in Radar for all of January, cutting down any time that I might have given to regular PT. I'm beginning to suspect that I have a milder form of 'test-anxiety' (really, doesn't everyone have this?) but I'm never getting it diagnosed, because I apparently produce my best results when I'm freaking out about the prospect of failure.
If you're going to go through most of life as a Type "B" personality, you've got to have SOMETHING kick you in the pants when you need to actually produce results.
But, let there be much rejoicing, I did pass, and almost exactly in the range I usually train for. That was one of the particularly crazy days, when I left my barracks at 0630 and didn't get back 'til just before 2100, running from one responsibility to the next. It feels good, though - a little zany at times, but I LIKE being able to do more.
I've been apprenticing as the yeoman (secretary) for the chapel choir - I'm taking over in March. I also got invited to be on the student leadership for Connexion - it's sort of our base ministry. Still can't get a SNUFI job - my barracks wants more students in the "holds" section before they'll approve anyone taking other jobs during the day. But, hoping.
Everything I said about being here another 6-8 months? Yeah. Forget that. I COULD be here another 6-8 months. On the other hand, just learned at a brief on Friday that one of the guys from my class received his orders THIS week to transfer NEXT week. So, it's fairly up in the air.
I've had hot water for 6 out of 7 showers this week, so I'm pretty happy about that.
I may or may not have had my first heart attack on Thursday. Jury's still out. Symptoms were acting like it, but aside from the PRT-anxiety, there's been nothing that would explain it. 30s-friend thinks I did, Army-friend thinks it's possible, EMT-friend thinks I'm too young. I kind of agree with EMT-friend, but a surprising number of Pre-BUD/S get heart attacks during their training and don't realize it until a real doctor checks them out ten years later. I'm going to sick call on Monday - another piece of my current to-do list was a medical check anyway.
This afternoon, a friend and I are going to go see Tangled. Again. This is the 3rd or 4th time I've seen it since it came out. Rapunzel is my new favorite Disney princess. I'm delighted that the on-base theater keeps bringing this one back.
Plus, there are always kids in the audience when they show movies I really like. I don't get to interact with them, but just seeing them running around is great.
I may have found a church! Mama Mac invited about a half-dozen of the girls from Connexion to a women's retreat, and I liked the church well enough to go to their service later that night. It's about four miles away from base, so walking there'd be no issue in the afternoons, and I can catch a ride back to base after dark. (The church's neighborhood is lovely - my base's, not so much.) There's a bit of paperwork and pleading I'd have to do in order for my leadership to let me off base without a buddy, but if I'm going to church, they might be okay with it. I'm excited!
Honeycrisp apples are amazing.
My friend Stephanie and I watched A Little Princess again last Sunday. I don't think I'd seen it in the last ten years, but I remember watching it when we were little. So, so good. I needed to hear a lot of that, that all girls are princesses, because I'd stopped believing that I really had any value.
Stephanie's become my dearest friend on base, and she transferred yesterday. She's been making interesting plans to get me to Hawaii (where she's based) and to set me up with one of her or her fiance's male Christian friends at their wedding this fall. She's absolutely wonderful, and it's been great spending so much time with her, and I honestly can't picture being at Great Lakes for 8 months with no Stephanie. Just doesn't compute. Stephanie's ALWAYS been here.
(It should be noted, I have had other friends transfer before, and for the most part, you recognize the transient nature of everything here. Stephanie's like my on-base sister, though.)
Found a yoga class that I love. Forgot how much I love flexibility work - Navy teaches that you're supposed to be mixing up flexibility, strength, and cardio, and I've really just been loading up cardio from graduation to my PFA. (I am not a SEAL. They do not care how many chin-ups I can do. They just want to make sure I can run.) Schedule only permits being there one day a week, but one is infinitely better than none. :)
There've been other minor ups and downs, but, as stated, by the time Saturday afternoon comes around, everything has sort of settled and evened out. I'm content, happy, frustrated, and okay with that.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Brainwashing
Okay, one of my friends just ran smack into this, so I should probably explain that it's there.
This does NOT mean that I'm depressed. Actually, I'm fairly happy and well-balanced. That's what makes this kind of scary.
We're inundated with a couple different messages. One is that we're not worth much, we're all grunts, all the same, any one of us can fill in for another at any given time. Another is that anyone on the outside has forgotten us, those relationships aren't real, they have their own lives to move on with and don't remember you. This second one is to make us more cohesive - if the outside relationships don't matter, the ones on the inside matter even more.
There are obvious counters to these. The most obvious one in my life is my family - my parents and sisters - followed by three friends and a sizable chunk of my Camp family. My parents and sisters have been AMAZING about supporting me - I'm able to talk with them every week, they think of me, pray for me (this is big), send me mail (also big), and there's really no way that I could think that they've forgotten me.
The value thing holds out against that. I retain the idea that these people who haven't forgotten me still love me not for anything I have to offer, but in spite of the fact that I DON'T really have anything, and they still take pleasure in me. It's a cool way to love, when that's what's really going on. Pretty much based on the way God loves us.
I was watching Charade on Sunday (why? Because I love Audrey Hepburn. I always end up identifying with her characters. The guys were having a pre-game LAN party, the girls were upstairs watching a movie), and ended up texting a friend over the question of whether a woman's trust was worth $250,000. He answered that you couldn't put price on it. Later that week, I told him that I felt like I was worth about $250, maybe $280 on a good day. Not "woe-is-me," just the fact. The grand total of everything I thought I brought to the table. And the scary bit was that I was content with that. I wasn't sad, or down on myself. I even remember justifying, "Hey, $250 is a lot in some countries! Do you know how many people out there live on less than $2 a day?!"
We're not depressed (well, for the most part. Some people really are, but that's because we're in Great Lakes, which depresses everybody). We believe these teachings as the parameters of our world, and we approach that world with the same attitude that we came to the last one. Mine is one of quirky pluck, random cheer. This is the way the world is, okay, I'm going to be happy in it.
And generally that works FINE. Until a friend randomly messages me with something cool that reminded him of me, and I realize that he HASN'T forgotten me, DOES still love me and see me as having value, and suddenly everything I know is called into question.
So, if you and I someday reunite, and I seem a little weird, it's probably not that I'm not happy to see you; I just had no idea that you'd be happy to see ME.
This does NOT mean that I'm depressed. Actually, I'm fairly happy and well-balanced. That's what makes this kind of scary.
We're inundated with a couple different messages. One is that we're not worth much, we're all grunts, all the same, any one of us can fill in for another at any given time. Another is that anyone on the outside has forgotten us, those relationships aren't real, they have their own lives to move on with and don't remember you. This second one is to make us more cohesive - if the outside relationships don't matter, the ones on the inside matter even more.
There are obvious counters to these. The most obvious one in my life is my family - my parents and sisters - followed by three friends and a sizable chunk of my Camp family. My parents and sisters have been AMAZING about supporting me - I'm able to talk with them every week, they think of me, pray for me (this is big), send me mail (also big), and there's really no way that I could think that they've forgotten me.
The value thing holds out against that. I retain the idea that these people who haven't forgotten me still love me not for anything I have to offer, but in spite of the fact that I DON'T really have anything, and they still take pleasure in me. It's a cool way to love, when that's what's really going on. Pretty much based on the way God loves us.
I was watching Charade on Sunday (why? Because I love Audrey Hepburn. I always end up identifying with her characters. The guys were having a pre-game LAN party, the girls were upstairs watching a movie), and ended up texting a friend over the question of whether a woman's trust was worth $250,000. He answered that you couldn't put price on it. Later that week, I told him that I felt like I was worth about $250, maybe $280 on a good day. Not "woe-is-me," just the fact. The grand total of everything I thought I brought to the table. And the scary bit was that I was content with that. I wasn't sad, or down on myself. I even remember justifying, "Hey, $250 is a lot in some countries! Do you know how many people out there live on less than $2 a day?!"
We're not depressed (well, for the most part. Some people really are, but that's because we're in Great Lakes, which depresses everybody). We believe these teachings as the parameters of our world, and we approach that world with the same attitude that we came to the last one. Mine is one of quirky pluck, random cheer. This is the way the world is, okay, I'm going to be happy in it.
And generally that works FINE. Until a friend randomly messages me with something cool that reminded him of me, and I realize that he HASN'T forgotten me, DOES still love me and see me as having value, and suddenly everything I know is called into question.
So, if you and I someday reunite, and I seem a little weird, it's probably not that I'm not happy to see you; I just had no idea that you'd be happy to see ME.
Back up to speed.
Oh yeah! This little darlin' is still kicking around!
All right, so my internet use has been rather sporadic due to the last third of my program being Radar. So, what have I been up to in the last month?
Accelerated electronics program, mostly. When I have time, I PT, but that's not nearly as often as I'd like. Hopefully with the coming graduation, more time will free up.
Personally, I doubt it. The way I live, free time never stays free - it's a vacuum. "Hey! There's space here! I can put something in there!" It's a good life, though. :)
Also, I jumped in a lake! There are photos on Facebook - a hole was cut next to the boat docks. Lake Michigan is frozen right up to shore. I've a friend from California - he's been stationed in Iraq, Japan, and Hawaii, and has no intentions of passing this way again - who agreed to take the plunge with me. I'm more impressed with him, really - for me, this wasn't that cold, just a lot of fun.
I saw Tangled with a few friends - yes, ladies, there are in fact straight guys out there who like Disney movies. Few of them will admit it in the first three months after you meet. It was a good time. This might be my new favorite Disney movie.
At some point in the last four weeks, I actually had time to SIT DOWN and watch a movie (this was probably during a massive two-day blizzard that shut down the whole base). In light of two of my friends receiving orders to Hawaii, Lilo and Stitch seemed appropriate. Crazy thing - if you only have time to watch one movie in a month, that movie will be playing in your head for the REST of that month. And people wonder why I don't watch the stupid ones.
Aside from those, my immediate friends (especially a soldier who gets out in April) can tell you that I've been riding a roller coaster of stress going through various radars. Originally, all of us (myself included) were trying to figure out the best way to keep me calm and happy - and then I realized that all of my best test scores were the tests when I was freaking out and terrified. Apparently I do well under pressure, in a sort of sideways fashion.
The fun thing, looking back, is the final lab. Up to this point, we worked with a particular radar receiver, or a certain display, or a radar switchboard, with some variation. The final lab combines everything into one system, and once again sends the student out to figure out how it's broken and what to replace. But, each of these individual components that had us brain-wracking in the days before, we simply blink that this one is part of the system. The display was the most interesting - the original display module was supposed to be the big mountain for all of us to hurdle, and I think we did lose some people over it. In the systems lab, thanks to everything we went through on that display, we now know exactly what to expect from it, and there's no problem that it's included.
There are other problems with that lab, of course, but I've taken that, "Do not pray for easy lives," business to heart. :) Also, interesting note, apparently I talk to my electronics without realizing it. One of my lab buddies overheard me (I was puzzled with my switchboard) quietly mutter, "Come on, baby, don't do this now." We're entertained.
But, barring unforeseen cataclysm, or a petty officer having a really bad day, I graduate tomorrow. I'll describe the next adventures as they come. :)
All right, so my internet use has been rather sporadic due to the last third of my program being Radar. So, what have I been up to in the last month?
Accelerated electronics program, mostly. When I have time, I PT, but that's not nearly as often as I'd like. Hopefully with the coming graduation, more time will free up.
Personally, I doubt it. The way I live, free time never stays free - it's a vacuum. "Hey! There's space here! I can put something in there!" It's a good life, though. :)
Also, I jumped in a lake! There are photos on Facebook - a hole was cut next to the boat docks. Lake Michigan is frozen right up to shore. I've a friend from California - he's been stationed in Iraq, Japan, and Hawaii, and has no intentions of passing this way again - who agreed to take the plunge with me. I'm more impressed with him, really - for me, this wasn't that cold, just a lot of fun.
I saw Tangled with a few friends - yes, ladies, there are in fact straight guys out there who like Disney movies. Few of them will admit it in the first three months after you meet. It was a good time. This might be my new favorite Disney movie.
At some point in the last four weeks, I actually had time to SIT DOWN and watch a movie (this was probably during a massive two-day blizzard that shut down the whole base). In light of two of my friends receiving orders to Hawaii, Lilo and Stitch seemed appropriate. Crazy thing - if you only have time to watch one movie in a month, that movie will be playing in your head for the REST of that month. And people wonder why I don't watch the stupid ones.
Aside from those, my immediate friends (especially a soldier who gets out in April) can tell you that I've been riding a roller coaster of stress going through various radars. Originally, all of us (myself included) were trying to figure out the best way to keep me calm and happy - and then I realized that all of my best test scores were the tests when I was freaking out and terrified. Apparently I do well under pressure, in a sort of sideways fashion.
The fun thing, looking back, is the final lab. Up to this point, we worked with a particular radar receiver, or a certain display, or a radar switchboard, with some variation. The final lab combines everything into one system, and once again sends the student out to figure out how it's broken and what to replace. But, each of these individual components that had us brain-wracking in the days before, we simply blink that this one is part of the system. The display was the most interesting - the original display module was supposed to be the big mountain for all of us to hurdle, and I think we did lose some people over it. In the systems lab, thanks to everything we went through on that display, we now know exactly what to expect from it, and there's no problem that it's included.
There are other problems with that lab, of course, but I've taken that, "Do not pray for easy lives," business to heart. :) Also, interesting note, apparently I talk to my electronics without realizing it. One of my lab buddies overheard me (I was puzzled with my switchboard) quietly mutter, "Come on, baby, don't do this now." We're entertained.
But, barring unforeseen cataclysm, or a petty officer having a really bad day, I graduate tomorrow. I'll describe the next adventures as they come. :)
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